This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectrum special April Fools edition.
Hey Bison! This weekend was so nice! The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I even think I saw buds on the trees! I had so much fun this weekend showing a friend from back home this beautiful, warm state! I may have even gotten a tish of a sunburn this weekend. Since the state really seems to be heating up for the summer, I thought I would share some ideas of fun things you could do in the warmth!
1. Go for a run
I am most definitely not an asthmatic. I love going for long runs to explore the beautiful landscape of North Dakota. Our campus has quite a few beautiful sights to offer. The hill in between Electric/Computer Engineering and Civil/Industrial Engineering really gets my heart rate going. I can feel every potential cardiac issue in my future fleeing when I run up that hill. That’s a way to lose weight, I tell ya.
I understand that people might get a little warm when they are running, especially considering how hot North Dakota has been lately, so I do urge anyone who tries this to be very careful. Wear shorts. Tank tops. Sunscreen. Sunglasses. Keep your hair off your neck. STAY HYDRATED! The sun can really take the moisture out of you, so you need to replace any of the hydration you will lose. Running is so dangerous, but I do thoroughly enjoy it. Just be careful of the MATbuses.
2. Tan outside
It’s tanning season! No more feeling whiter than a piece of paper! Get glowy. Get bronzed. Watch out for tan lines. I would recommend laying on top of your car because the metal really attracts UV rays. The more UV, the better.
There really is no need for sunscreen when you are trying to tan. After all, it would just keep the sun from getting to your skin. Who would want that? I would recommend putting on some olive oil or coconut oil to really attract the sun and fry up your legs like chicken. I promise, there will be no sun damage in your future. Coconut oil is good for your skin! It could not harm you. Sunburn? Who is she? I have NEVER heard of her.
3. Sand volleyball
I don’t know if anyone reading this has seen me play volleyball, but if you have, you know that I am incredible. If only I had played in high school. State champion material right here, but enough about me.
Play sand volleyball! It is so warm outside and what better way to celebrate that? The courts are NOT still damp from the snow! They are perfectly dry. The sun has had plenty of time to dry them out over this past weekend. Get your feet sandy. Get a healthy sweat on. Showcase your amazing volleyball skills. No need to play in the Welly. Save indoor volleyball for when it is cold outside. Go appreciate the warm weather. You could even continue building your tan on the volleyball court. I really do not see any better way to spend your afternoon.
4. Climb a tree
When was the last time you climbed a tree? I cannot remember the last time I did. Now is the perfect time to take advantage of your tree-climbing abilities. There are SO many trees on our campus, and they are just begging to be climbed. Do not turn down this opportunity! The trees are probably even warm from the sun. Connect with nature. Climb a tree.
5. Walk to McDonald’s
Last but certainly not least, I think this weather calls for some McDonald’s. My favorite feeling in the world is walking somewhere on a nice day and getting food that really nourishes my body. Then, I feel even more equipped to handle the walk back to wherever I came from. Taking care of our bodies is so important, and I think that this warm weather is giving us so many opportunities.
McDonald’s is amazing for your gut health, so I think it is the perfect walking destination. Not too far from campus. Super healthy. A little on the pricey side, but you’ve gotta pay what you’ve gotta pay for food that will take such good care of your body. Really, go to McDonald’s. Your stomach will thank you.
All jokes aside, I hope everyone is staying safe in the snow. I hope everyone knows it’s okay not to be good at running, to burn easily, to suck at sand volleyball, to be afraid of climbing trees, and to acknowledge that McDonald’s is terrible for you and still eat it. It is so cold outside, and motivation is low. You can do it, though. The finish line is in sight. Happy week 11, Bison. Happy April Fools Day. Happy Easter. Get some rest.