The University of North Dakota named former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as its honorary interim president on Sunday. Outgoing UND President Robert Kelly made the decision, saying he can relate to scandal-ridden Clinton.
Kelly has boldly led UND directly into whatever terrible direction he could find, honoring the university’s legacy of being a smelly dump devoid of all hope or legitimate academics.
“I feel like we are practically related; who else has had as many scandals as myself and has botched literally every major decision?” Kelly said. “Hillary and I may have been twins separated at birth, just saying.”
Kelly decided the move after hearing that former North Dakota Governor Ed Schafer would be the interim president of UND. He then decided UND needed somebody just as terrible as him to continue his legacy and balance out Schafer’s wisdom.
Schafer, who served as governor of North Dakota from 1992 to 2000, is known for making tough but necessary decisions and for being an extraordinary leader, the likes of which UND doesn’t want nor deserve.
“Hillary and I had a lengthy conversation over email regarding what diabolical plans I have to drag this whole nickname thing out a few more years,” Kelly said. “When we were done scheming, she mentioned something about deleting all those emails and wiping my server clean. Smart lady.”
Kelly claimed it was Clinton’s handling of her Benghazi scandal that made him warm up to her faster than Bill Clinton warms up to interns.
“The staff here at UND hates me almost as much as Hillary’s campaign employees hate her,” Kelly said, “and frankly, I have been trying to get fired for years now. This state totally blows. You people are idiots for caring this much about a nickname.”
State Board of Higher Education Chancellor Mark Hagerott said Kelly doesn’t have the power to name his successor, but did offer to let Clinton run the SBHE instead because it possibly has more scandals than even UND.
When asked about her new honorary position, Hillary said she cannot wait to have an entire university’s worth of law students at her disposal.
“We plan to use alumni fundraising to help contribute to my campaign fund that we will illegally funnel through the Clinton Foundation,” Clinton said. “Bill also said he would be willing to run the Women and Gender Studies department at UND, so expect big changes there.”
Many people now find her UND presidency inevitable claiming we might as well give her the job just so that she will eventually go away. The hope is that this is as far as her presidential ambitions will go, leading Hillary to drop out of the national election.
Meanwhile North Dakota State’s President Dean Bresciani said he welcomes Hillary to be UND’s interim president. “Bro, as long as Hillary is up there I could play kickball with a dead baby. Nobody would bat an eye. This is great.”
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire; if you did not laugh, now is the time to start