NDSU Says No to Noise

the rectum

North Dakota State has passed a rule to ban ATVs, dirt bikes and other annoying forms of transport from campus in a preemptive move to bring down noise this summer. The rule change comes at a time when many around campus are dusting off their totally city appropriate vehicles for the end of the fall semester.

Tom Peters, an NDSU student, said he saw the announcement in his emails and found it disheartening. “I was just about to go get my bike back in Bemidji for the season,” Peters said. “I don’t know what the big deal is about my bike.”

Peters said the dirt bike is a necessity after walking to school all winter. “I want to feel alive in the three minutes it takes to get from my apartment to school,” Peters explained. “If people don’t like the noise, then why do people always look at me when I blast by them at the intersection?”

The roads might be less safe now Peters said. “People won’t be alert on their walk to school. They’ll be so happy and calm that they won’t notice the Prius about to hit them.” Peters said he is thinking about writing the student body president a letter if he can figure out who they are.

The rules were changed by student senator Mark Stapleton, a fine arts major at NDSU. “I was tired of getting angry on my daily walks from Starbucks to the Union,” Stapleton said. “It just made sense to do something.” Stapleton said the rule does not infringe upon students’ freedoms, it just “makes them make the right decision.”

“I just want to walk in a peace. I can’t be bothered with other peoples need for enjoyment,” Stapleton explained. Noise pollution is a large issue on NDSU’s campus. A study from the CDC showed that NDSU was the least popular campus for little babies whose ears hurt.

Madison Kramer, a transportation liaison for the president’s office, said she thinks student government shouldn’t stop at this rule change. “The trains are so loud; I don’t know why we don’t talk to someone about that,” Kamer said. Kramer said the sound of the train reminds her of “Stand by Me,” a movie she said is “only ok.”

Kramer also thinks there should be some sort of training program for freshmen dudes with longboards. “They don’t even know how to skateboard, yet they seem to have the confidence of a guy in a Levi’s ad,” Kramer said. “Why do they think they can ride on the busy sidewalk? Seriously, why?”

Kramer said the president is a little frustrated with the rule change because he can no longer rip around campus at night in his go-kart. “I was just excited to get her out for a spin,” President Dean L. Bresciani said. “I understand the rule change, but what’s the big deal anyway? Let the boys get a little wild.”

The rule change is effective immediately.

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