Letter to the Editor | Ice-cold Spectrum Article Makes Weightlifters Nip Out

When one admires the artistic touch of Michelangelo’s David, one cannot but notice two small characteristics located around the chest area. Alas! What scandalous perversion lays upon one of our world’s greatest masterpieces — we shall tear it down lest our pure eyes be tainted.

Friends, beef cakes, meat heads lend me your ears. I come to bury this article not to praise it. Earlier today I came upon a Spectrum article titled, “Getting Visually Offended at the Wellness Center” — and this is my response.

OK, so the cat is out of the bag — men have nipples. Much like the great David, I spend numerous hours a week slaving over the Wellness Center weights attempting to sculpt my body to the proportions Michelangelo chiseled 500 years ago.

Due to this article apparently my hard work and dedication has come to offend people, and I must apologize for I may have spent too much time calculating my macronutrients to the gram instead of carefully picking my outfit for the day’s workout that it may be in accordance with the strict Puritan dress codes of the gym.

With one look at us workout punks, one may assume that criticism of the way we dress or the way we look may be toppled by the freight train of our ego, but trust me — we hate critiques of our looks as much as we hate cardio.

I must admit, I do see the validity of this article, because us jocks do get carried away from time to time when it comes to our cut-offs. So this is my proposal: I declare that the 2nd and 3rd floors be made nipple free zones in which casual wellness attendees can use the treadmill storage areas as a nippleless playground. Meanwhile, us weightlifters will have domain over the first floor and enjoy our shameless Garden of Eden so we may saunter around in the bodies God gave us.

So let it be said — critiquing weightlifters outfits at the gym will give you as much gains as cardio.

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