A stylish trip down memory lane, whether you like it or not
This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.
The past couple of years have been a boring time for fashion. Fashion history has been riddled with amazing pieces, but not within the past couple of years. Especially with the unfortunate rise in minimalism and the constant recycling of old trends with boring redesigns. What happened to being unique? Being interesting? What happened to fun and interesting pieces that stand out? It’s time to take inspiration from some of history’s most iconic trends. Lock in, because I promise these are gonna be good.
Starting off with something simple, a little more ordinary, we have patterned tights. A trend popularized in the late ’60s to early ’70s when bold patterns were all the rage. Often styled with miniskirts since they were rising in popularity at the time. Now I’m not just talking about boring patterns like spots, stripes, or lace. No I mean bright plaid, floral print, and paisley! And if you’re looking to make it interesting? Nothing is better than bold patterned tights with bold patterns on top. I rate this trend a 6/10, a good start.
Next up is a more recent trend, Micro Mini Bags. Bag would imply a container used for carrying things, but that’s BORING! Mini bags can be seen all the way back to the 18th century when skirts were simplified and no longer had pockets, where purses were just used for a couple simple items. With a specific resurgence in small bags in the 1960s to go along the trends of short skirts. Micro Mini Bags were specifically popularized in the late 2010s, by the designer Jacquemus Le Chiquito. Not only are they extremely practical, but they add so much in terms of styling! What’s more fun than something that’s too small to see. Another 6/10, could be more interesting.
Possibly one of the oldest pieces on this list, we have Poulaines. Elongated, pointed shoes popular in medieval Europe that often reached up to 20 inches. Compared to “normal” boring shoes that only reach up to 12 inches (men’s size 10.5-11). Worn by wealthy individuals of the 14th to 15th century, following the marriage of Richard II and Anne of Bohemia as Anne worn them to her wedding. Often tied to the shin with chains to be able to walk forward. A pair of shoes so long they have to be tied to your legs? What could be more fun? More whimsical? With so much more to come, 8/10, bring this back!
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. Put a feather in his hat and called it macaroni. What most people don’t know is that Macaroni used to refer to unconventional and extravagant fashion. Becoming common in the mid 1760s, was when ‘Macaroni’ was popular. The best part? The high hair, often standing up to nine inches off the head, with tiny little tricorne hat on top. Big hair, tiny hat, what could be more fashionable. The effort, the technical feat, how unique?! Very fun, very interesting 9/10, please bring this back.
Saving the best for last… Codpieces. A part of anatomy that wasn’t to be mentioned in high society, but with codpieces was drawn attention to and shown off. Originally used to cover up after doublets (14th-17th century men’s overshirts) became shorter. Originally quite simple, but became decorative and often stood out. Not only that, but they also functioned as storage for things like coins and jewels. Potentially the origin of the term “family jewels” A unique decorative piece that also functions as a purse for men? How interesting?! How unique?! Now this is what fashion is missing! 11/10, this is what fashion should be.
For all of the brave stylists reading, I hope you will take all of this into consideration. Making fashion interesting isn’t going to be easy, but one step towards good style is a great leap towards ending boring fashion. And if that step happens to be in a towering macaroni wig or a dangerously pointy poulaine, then so be it. The world isn’t ready—but that’s never stopped great fashion before. (Please don’t follow this advice, for the good of everyone who can see.)