the rectum

New Athletic Director to Take Helm

Late last week, officials at North Dakota State announced a new athletic director starting in the summer of 2016. There is no official report of why the change is going to take place, but the possibility of disloyal payments made from the athletics office could be the cause. In response to this, the new hire is expected to begin work in June.

“It was clear to us that Joseph Blatter was the man to lead us,” said President Dean Bresciani. “Joseph, or, as he prefers, Sepp, is going to be our O.G. gangster.”

The biggest criteria for the position was experience.

“We looked mainly for someone who has excelled in the past in broadening athletics,” Bresciani continued. Blatter has been selected comes in with over 18 years experience of widening sport with a nonprofit organization.

Blatter is originally from Switzerland and has managed to turn soccer into a worldwide phenomenon in the past 18 years as president of FIFA. He has fearlessly worked with FIFA for over 30 years now, and is looking for a change.

Blatter said,“I am happy to come to the United States, and to help this wonderful campus to become even better.”

When asked why the change to come from big-city Zurich to little Fargo, Blatter said that it was an easy choice. “I really wanted to find a small place to settle down and avoid international court.”

The change in size may be a good thing, as in past interviews Blatter has said that “we, or I, cannot monitor all of the people, all of the time.” The task ahead of the Swiss international is a tough one, as he will have to get to grips with the fact that American Football is the top sport at NDSU.

That may not be the case for long, as Blatter has claimed that he plans to improve the soccer facilities in hopes to grow the Bison women’s program, and possibly the introduction of a men’s team as well.

To push this forward, Blatter says that plans are in place to renovate Dacotah Field.

“We are planning to make a grand stadium; it will be the crown jewel of the university,” Blatter said.

Where the money is coming from for the new stadium is unclear, but Blatter hinted that it may be foreign money.

“Let’s just say the stadium will have a European influence, in more ways than one.”

Also there is the matter of who will be building the stadium. Once again, this will not from the local area.

“We plan on flying just over 300 of the best constructors from Qatar to Fargo,” Blatter added.

These are lofty ambitions for a man who has spent most of the last year avoiding the United States, but Blatter may prove to be the steady hand that guides the university needs. He hopes to be strong and ethical leader in order to grow athletics on campus.

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