the rectum

NDSU to Become Wet Campus

In a developing story, North Dakota State University will become a wet campus in an attempt to combat teenage drinking.

This follows a recent discovery at Stockbridge Hall that students have been drinking on campus. Dumbfounded, President Dean Bresciani quickly made a change to the rules.

“I don’t understand how these college students obtained the alcohol, but I do know that we will make it the uncool thing to do on campus,” President Bresciani said.

President Dean Bresciani’s full plan includes making NDSU a wet campus, but he plans to take it one step further. In a letter obtained by The Rectum, President Bresciani plans on not only allowing alcohol consumption on campus, but he “wants in on the party.”

“In order to keep our kids safe, I will be taking over the role as fatherly figure popping in and checking in on the parties on campus,” he said. His plans also include wearing Dad jeans and constantly bringing up uncomfortable stories about individuals during their orientation.

“It really is a good idea, if I don’t say so myself, I think campus parties are going to become a daily part of my life,” he said.

The incident that lead to such a shocking discovery was made in Stockbridge at 2 a.m. Tuesday. It is reported that a noise complaint lead to a resident assistant going to investigate. What he found was shocking. The dorm room was “loaded with alcohol.” The RA was quoted as saying that the incident in the room was “lit.”

The RA declined an interview but did leave this statement: “I am surprised by this because of NDSU being a dry campus, it comes as a shock to all the RAs. We never saw this coming.”

Nevertheless, President Bresciani is implementing his plans effective immediately.

“Just post your party details on the appropriate Facebook page ‘NDSU Party Finder’ and enjoy your night. Just be ready to have me come and crash your party,” Bresciani said, “and of course take a few celebrity shots at beer pong.”

Local students find this to be a good and a bad thing. “I miss my dad,” said a local Churchill resident Josh Johnson, “President Dean Bresciani popping in and out of my dorm parties will provide the right amount of adult supervision, I truly feel safer.”

With NDSU being a student-focused, land-grant, research university Bresciani will also be conducting Listserv questionnaires, and other important land grant/research duties. Bresciani had this as a closing statement: “I see this as an amazing opportunity for me to meet many Bison in the coming weeks; be prepared for my visit, and no Karkov.”

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