Congratulations to Hugh Jassol!
This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.
This last month, President Donald Trump started the https://enddei.ed.gov/ to “ensure all students have access to meaningful learning free of divisive ideologies and indoctrination.” This site allows students, teachers, and concerned citizens to anonymously report illegal indoctrination practices in their schools and school districts.
After the website’s creation, dozens of concerned citizens reported school districts and universities. According to NPR, the U.S. Department of Education has launched investigations into 52 universities–including NDSU’s rival, the University of North Dakota–as a result of these reports.
Hugh Jassol, who graduated with his Bachelor of the Farts degree in Jerkonomics and minor in Anti-Feminist Studies from NDSU in December, played a critical role in reporting multiple instances of divisive ideologies and discrimination against white, male students at University of North Dakota. Hugh attended UND for 1 semester in 2023 before transferring to NDSU because of the discrimination he experienced at UND.
While at UND, Hugh experienced discrimination when the administration decided to ban white, male students from using women’s bathrooms on campus. Hugh and several other students in the White Student Alliance Club had decided to protest the one gender neutral bathroom on campus by having white, male students in the club use women’s bathrooms. The one gender neutral bathroom, which is inaccessibly located on the 20th floor of the only co-ed dorm, made the students in the club feel bad for the women on campus who might have to share a bathroom with a biological male. According to an interview with the UND student news, Hugh said the protest was created in order to show administration how “scary” and “discriminatory” the gender neutral bathroom would be for women by making various women scared on campus whenever they went to the women’s bathroom.
The protest was unsuccessful in changing administration’s mind about the gender neutral bathroom. Several female students complained about the protest and having men in their bathrooms. Hugh, who led the protest, was disciplined by no longer being allowed to use women’s bathrooms after just 2 weeks of his protest. This is what inspired Hugh to transfer to NDSU.
After the release of the End DEI site, Hugh boldly shared this story in his report–and he did it with his full name, address, and Social Security number instead of choosing to cowardly remain anonymous. Hugh knew revealing his identity would make the investigation move more quickly because of the news reports from the time. After seeing the blatant discrimination Hugh experienced, President Donald Trump decided to award Hugh the Presidential Award for ending DEI, the only award of its kind since Hugh was the only non-anonymous report. Last week, Hugh was invited to the White House, where he wore his NDSU green and gold as he was presented with this award.
Hugh is currently pursuing his Master of the Farts degree at NDSU’s education program specializing in Uniformity, Inequity, and Exclusion studies. Hugh wants to work towards ending DEI and white, male discrimination in more North Dakota universities once he graduates. NDSU is so proud of Hugh for all the brave and totally legal complaints he reported of UND. We can’t wait to see Hugh Jassol become a household name to aspire to in North Dakota.