Miami: The Disaster Zone

If there’s one thing you can always count on, it’s Florida being your drunk uncle at the family reunion of states making sure everyone knows how crazy he is.

If Texas or California is your stick-in-the-mud aunt who lets loose after a few martinis and a Katy Perry song, Florida is your uncle singing along at about 130 decibels and progressively losing clothing.

Lately, they’re down to a sock, ripped dress pants and an unbuckled belt. Some of it’s tragic. Some of its horrifying. All of it is what you’d expect from the state that gave you Florida Man.

Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico have been struck with tragedy this hurricane season though and that is just a full-blown tragedy.

While we were busy hoping and praying for the safety of Texas about to be hit with a Category 3 hurricane, Florida downed a poorly mixed drink with a Spanish name and asked, “How does a cat. 5 grabs ya?”

While I have no intention of minimizing their tragedy, Florida is the one state I can see putting on sunglasses as the bombs drop and writing off radiation burn as eczema. Utter resilience, I tell ya (though if you’d like to donate to FEMA or some other hurricane relief program, they’d really appreciate it).

In lighter news: cocaine! Tragic for one person, pretty damn crazy for the rest of us. If you hadn’t heard, a coach for the Miami Dolphins, Christopher Foerster, is really blow-ing up! His model ex-girlfriend released a 55-second video of him snorting cocaine (or some other controlled substance) with a $20 bill and saying, “I wish I were licking this off your p****.”

I honestly don’t know why I try. My man, you are writing my article for me. No jokes or bad puns compare to the mess you are making of your life. At least the team isn’t suffering. From their performance Sunday, I’d say they just lost their dealer and this is their first sober game in years.

As the Jarvis Landry owner in my fantasy league, I’ve come to expect nothing and was pleasantly surprise. Jarvis Landry, your mother and I are so proud and we’re taking you to Dairy Queen after school.

So, whether it’s fun news blips or retirees in Hawaiian shirts, Florida is home to my favorite people in this country. You’re always bringing the excitement and I, for one, am buying whatever it is you’re selling. The crazies, the families, the Disney World employees living with perpetual heat stroke: you’ll outlive us all I swear.

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