NDSU Presidential Search Features Legendary Candidates

strong

During the conference held on Monday, March 30, North Dakota State University officially announced and confirmed the identity of its next full-time president, Marshall Stewart. Stewart was selected for the position after a rigorous and extensive search conducted by the school’s presidential search committee, which spent roughly three months attempting to narrow down applications and candidates. Along the way, several well-known faces and celebrities were slowly whittled away. Here’s a recap of some of the candidates who didn’t make the cut.

Former NDSU Bison Football quarterback Cam Miller, now a quarterback for the National Football League’s Miami Dolphins, expressed great interest in the presidential role at NDSU. “The people of Fargo love me, most of them went to game days just for me anyway. Well, that and the alcohol,” expressed Miller. Unfortunately, Miller fumbled his chance at becoming president after missing the first set of interviews, apparently opting to film another Comfort King mattress ad instead. Miller may be able to catch pigskins, but the same cannot be said for interviews.

Strangely enough, Miller was not the only NDSU celebrity to apply for presidency. Thundar, the school’s beloved mascot, held a brief campaign based on equal rights for bovine and equine students. Upon realizing that these animals cannot easily obtain a higher education, the mascot felt it was his duty to put a voice to his concerns. Unfortunately, when asked to comment, Thundar was unable to voice anything, as he can’t speak. The bison’s campaign was derailed shortly after.

Reports have also circulated that an application filled out by a “Rat King” was also received by the presidential search committee. The application was heavily damaged and had suffered numerous tears and scratches. Interestingly enough, the title “Rat King” refers to the character from the popular “The Nutcracker” ballet, an evil king of rodents, but it’s also a real-life phenomenon. A rat king is formed when several rats’ tails become entangled, forming a ring of interconnected rats. The application’s section on previous employment did have “Reed/Johnson Hall” listed as a place of work. Our reporters are not sure what this fully means, but officials have been notified and have released the following statement: “Yeah, we’ll need fire. Lots of fire.”

Switching to a more worldly level, internet meme Tonka Jahari also put his name in the hat for presidency. The meme, who’s been out of the limelight since his appearance on “Impractical Jokers” in 2018, has since resurfaced and seen a spike in popularity. When asked why he would make a great president, Jahari responded somewhat confused: “I am Tonka Jahari, but I would never run for NDSU presidency myself. I mean, I’ll take it–.” Unfortunately, Jahari was unable to finish the interview, as he had to leave to pick up a pizza delivery (yes, a pizza delivery he made himself).

Viral internet personality Trisha Paytas also expressed interest in the open position of president, especially after hearing about collaborations between NDSU’s athletic department and Buffalo Wild Wings for sporting events. “I would love to continue to expand the school’s relationship with Buffalo Wild Wings. I would definitely consider myself a “wings girl.” Paytas, following her recent stints on Broadway and “Eras of Trish” tour, mentioned a reevaluation for funding directed towards performing arts-based degrees. “Show biz is difficult. I mean, I didn’t start to see success until I posted videos of me crying on the kitchen floor. Which reminds me, my memoir “Crying on the Kitchen Floor” is now available where books are sold!” Paytas eventually withdrew her run for candidacy after hearing that North Dakota has experienced snowfall in 11 of the 12 months of the year. “Oh, absolutely not.” It seems NDSU will not be getting its own “Era of Trish” after all.

While it’s disappointing that none of these applicants were able to secure the presidency of NDSU, I think it’s safe to say that our beloved campus is in very capable hands. Besides, what good would it be to have a famous celebrity or creature as a president if they can’t effectively run an entire college. Hopefully, Marshall Stewart’s time in office will be a bright point in NDSU’s history.