Mice Get Priority Housing!

Note: The article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectrum April Fools’ edition.

North Dakota State University officially gave priority housing to mice effective immediately. Claiming that mice are the most active residents on campus, the University finds their contribution invaluable. Thus, mice will now be able to apply for housing above all other students.

“If you’re a mouse, then you’re in a house,” says Rick Berg, interim president of NDSU.

The new policy grants mice access to almost any dormitory building. According to student reports, Weible and Johnson halls are particular hotspots for our fuzzy friends! With the influx of new residents, NDSU has increased the number of roommates per room. Campus just got a whole lot cozier!

The University truly values each and every paying student. That is why the institution has graciously decided to keep housing prices the exact same! Students get to live in the same room with all the more friends. What a bargain!

“We are really trying to focus on recruiting new students, keeping current ones, and maximizing our space,” says Berg. “What better way to do all that than mice?”

Never lived with a mouse before? No problem! I lived in Weible Hall my freshman year. There, we not only had a zero buffer zone with our mice, but also ants.

First things first, communication is key. When you meet a mouse, you cannot fall into stereotypes. It is extremely offensive to ask a mouse to get on your head, pull your hair and cook you a Michelin level meal. Begin with small talk, and I mean small talk. The tiny mammals like food just like you; from your chips to tasty wires, there is plenty to discuss.

Secondly, get used to sharing. What’s yours is theirs. If you do not like it, you should probably just move out, because the mice are not going anywhere. In fact, under the new housing policy, mice are now considered “long-term tenants,” while students are classified as “temporary cohabitants.”

To support this initiative, the University has announced the creation of a new student organization: emThe group will host weekly events aimed at strengthening human-mouse relationships. Next week there will be a “Meet and Squeak,” followed by a speaker discussing the ethical concerns in the TV show, em Students are encouraged to attend, especially if they experience an “unexpected roommate interaction.”

Of course, not all students are thrilled. Some have raised concerns about hygiene and safety, but the University remains optimistic.

“We hear our students,” Berg says, “but we also hear the mice. They’re louder.”

Already mice are making their impact on campus culture. From the emthere has been a big push to make Despereaux a formally recognized national hero. The campaign started as small and has grown to elephant sized proportions.

At the end of the day, NDSU continues to pride itself on innovation. While other universities focus on rankings and retention rates, NDSU is redefining what it means to build a truly inclusive campus community: one mouse at a time.