Pure Bliss: Traffic, Taxes and Other Delights

The article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectrum April Fools’ edition.

There are so many things about life that are, simply put, horrible. Finding a binge-worthy new TV show, hanging out with friends, acing an exam, chocolate or getting a long, undisturbed night’s sleep (like all college students do each and every night) — all of these stacked on top of each other just about make life unbearable.

If this is you and life is beating you down, don’t worry! If you’re feeling overwhelmed by everyday experiences or whatever have you, I have put together a fool-proof list of encounters and events that always bring joy. Just reading about them is sure to make you recall fond memories and uplift your mood!

Traffic

Like everyone else, I ADORE getting stuck in traffic! Red lights, crowded lanes, the inability to merge — all of it makes me so happy, especially when I am running late or in a hurry.

Being Put on Hold

This is best experienced when you have a small time window and the call involves something significant, like banking or tech support. The longer I am on hold, the happier I am. Please, put me on hold! I’ll listen to the muzak!

Socks Falling Down

Everyone experiences this at some point, and it is always a wonderful experience. Particularly occurring in winter, with boots and snow gear because of the cold weather, socks sliding down your ankles is always pleasant.

Going to the DMV

DMV visits are amazing. I wish I could go more often! There is nothing I love more than long lines, crowded spaces, having to bring copies of my birth certificate, social security card, the entire Star Trek series on VHS tape, fourteen different pairs of shoes, every bank record I ever received, my credit score and my pet’s maiden name. So simple, so enjoyable.

The best part is when you forget something or it’s in the wrong language and you get to come back again later, after taking the entire morning off work to renew your driver’s license. Fantastic!

Low Battery

Sometimes you forget to plug your device in at night; sometimes you remember anyway and it still doesn’t charge for whatever reason. Isn’t it the best? This is a sure-fire way to get an adrenaline rush right away in the morning. This experience is fully appreciated only when you are already running behind.

Ads and Commercials

They are everywhere and I am forever grateful for them! Whether it be streaming music or movies, online content, the radio or just living life, they are a much-needed blessing. They take up everyone’s time and patience, curating valuable life lessons and conveying important information about the same five products or services on repeat. I’d love to have more!

Zoom Meetings

Invented in 2011, popularized during the pandemic and continuing to be used in current civilization, I give you the wonderful, asynchronous video meetings! I hope this trend continues to grow so I can be in a constant state of panic about my mic being unmuted and my internet connection being questionable.

Tax Season

It is currently upon us, and everyone is in a state of pure, undisturbed joy. Why is it only a yearly experience? This state of euphoria should be spread throughout the year; biannual tax season would be an amazing alternative! Twice a year, we could all experience finance-related migraines! I’m all in!

There you have it: an extensive list of experiences that are sure to bring joy to everyone they touch. I hope I brought some joy to your life as you reflect on the times these have happened to you, so you can look forward to the next time you get to encounter one!