How to make life better by being unkind to others

To live a long and happy life, I think completely of myself. With the clamor of the rat race, the struggle for wealth — yeah, I had to Google that definition, clashing egos in the workplace and everywhere online as well as ridiculousness in the press — Why are you looking at me like that? The division in everything can all be drowned out by selfishness. There is no need to be ashamed or introspective about selfishness because, let’s be honest, who’s not selfish in this day and age?

The first step in making your selfishness effective is making it known. Make sure you make everyone feel useless in your eyes. Frown at people when they smile at you and when they say, “Good morning,” scowl at them and say, “What’s your problem?” If you express to others how little they matter to you, then they will stop bothering you.

Another step is to never try to see your work from any view but your own. If anyone gives you criticism on your assignments or college work, expect that they are out to ruin your creative expression and control whatever you put out and seek to express. If there is a problem with your work, then you would recognize it immediately, not when someone else notices it.

In fact, the next time my teacher gives a class in which he makes us buy a textbook that costs half my month’s earnings and makes us read through it. I will personally pickpocket his wallet while pretending to deliver an apple to his desk. Hmm, do students still do that; give apples to their teachers, I mean? Oh well, no better time to start.

He will never know who swiped his wallet, driver’s license, bank card and cheapskate like me, $32. Oh, I just Googled the meaning of cheapskate, and it means to be “stingy,” I thought it meant something like “poor.” Come to think of it, being stingy can also make your personal character and bank account better in every way.

Perhaps the most effective way to make yourself at home is to make your neighbors know who you are. Play your music extra loud and have long conversations with yourself with excessively loud words so that your neighbors realize they should recognize your domain and respect your privacy. If someone confronts you about your loud behavior, tell them to find a different apartment or home, to shut up or put up, so to speak.

Perhaps I should do more to teach my neighbors a lesson in personal understanding of moi. The next time I hear them having friends over for some party upstairs, I will take a vacuum cleaner to the ceiling, which would clean off the dust as a perk. I will duct tape a boombox to the vacuum blaring loud death metal music and clean out the upstairs apartment as well.

Thus forcing those obnoxious neighbors outside and out of my roof because how could they have a party and not invite their basement-dwelling neighbor. Adding another perk to cleaning off the ceiling, I would get a significant muscle growth in my biceps by moving around a vacuum with a boombox duct-taped to it.

You see, by being selfish, you are helping society become a better place. If you are cruel to others when they seek to be polite, you immediately prevent yourself from distracting them from their everyday lives and make them realize they can’t befriend anyone. Taking no criticism expresses that you already know enough to be a helpful asset to the world and need no correction.

By being loud and brash in your home environment, you make people aware of your existence and force them to respect the way you run things.

Oh, and another thing. The next time someone complains about me backing up into their car and smashing their bumper and grill in, I’ll sue them for damages. Those damages will be my self-esteem, of course. Here I was, settling back to find an alternative route, and they willingly prevented me from doing so with their big, fat, compact car, which has the audacity to be kept cleaner than mine. I will make sure the jury throws the book at the opposing driver, and if this doesn’t happen, I’ll throw the book at the jury and then at the opposing driver.

Be more selfish in your everyday life, and you will help others realize that there are more important things in life than being a good person. Selfishness is the catalyst to a new acceptance in society, that being of the free-thinking individual. You’re too good to be a part of anything but your own life, so take that chance and express your deep-seated self-centered character.