Your Guide to a Stellar* Spring Break

Yes, dear student, you’ve slogged through half of a semester and totally deserve a break. This guide will teach you how to make the most of it. But first, a rant about the weather.

Spring break, they call it. Well, I disagree. I got rained on in January. And February. And now in March, the weather vacillates between balmy and shoot-me-now. They should call it spring punishment instead.

If I had any sort of power, we’d have nothing but snow between November and the first April showers. Maybe you disagree with me, since you don’t like snow, in which case your opinion doesn’t count. At least we’d have consistency.

But luckily for you, I don’t have any power, so instead we have this crap-fest. All right, rant over.

On to the guide. But be warned; the following advice comes to you straight from a guy whose idea of a good time involves a book and three naps a day.

1. Go to Gary, Indiana

Need to get away from good old N.D.? This is the destination of choice. It’s a largely abandoned steel town, and apparently the scariest place on the planet.

“I drove through Gary, Indiana once,” Billy Bison said. “I stopped at a convenience store to go to the bathroom, but I just peed my pants and left instead.”

Gary served as the set for a remake of “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” There’s literally no reason not to go.

2. Go sledding

Staying in N.D. for your break? No problem. Grab a sled and head to the nearest hill. I hear sitting on a bare, brown, muddy slope is in vogue these days.

3. Make mud angels

See the above bit of advice? Just skip the sled and roll around in the mud instead. Remember: if you aren’t soaked and freezing, you aren’t having fun.

4. Party with the ‘rents

Don’t scoff until you try this — it’s significantly cheaper than actually going out. Plus, it doesn’t get any better than Yahtzee, peanuts and ginger ale.

Now that you’re armed with the best advice a free student newspaper can give you, go out and have a great spring break. And be safe, because I told you so.

Catch you on the flip side.

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