the rectum

Too Good at Their Job

Editors at The Spectrum began a protest Sunday, March 25, claiming that their pieces weren’t appropriate for public viewing because they were “too good” at their jobs.

“All we’re saying is that our pieces are just too edgy and well written to be shown to the student body,” one editor said, citing recent incident reports of higher than average rates of letters to the editor.

“What these people don’t realize is that we’re actually doing our jobs; it’s not like we like being this good,” another editor added.

At one point during the protest, the editor-in-chief attempted to calm the section editors gathered outside The Spectrum office. “Guys, come back inside. You’re being ridiculous, and half of you have a deadline tomorrow,” he said, more out of loneliness than anything else. The times of him being alone in the office have become rare. He did not know how to cope without his section editors any longer.

“We won’t return to work until we can publicly express our opinions since, for most of us, our sections don’t contain our opinions at all and people can’t handle our edgy and often perfectly correct writing,” the news editor practically shouted.

The editors then shared a moment of silence to show their deep respect, gratitude and thanks to their copy editors for making their pieces shine grammatical.

Following the moment of silence, the arts and entertainment editor then proceeded to sing along to a strenuous version of the national anthem that made Fergie sound good in comparison.

“I think my ears are literally bleeding,” the features editor commented. She later started an article that would later be placed in the “Pinterest Interest” subsection titled, “How to remove blood from your clothes with only things in your backpack” and another article titled, “Telling people they suck: an infographic.”

The protest then continued with speeches from a host of people, including a local white supremacist, an activist working with the Black Lives Matters movement, pro-choice campaigns, a group that supports more strictly regulated gun control and a politically moderate student that was forced to stand and tell the editors a story.

The student began to speak by saying, “Uh … I was just trying to nap on the couch over by the gallery, but I had a real trip of a dream so I can tell you guys that?” The editors cheered for the student’s unsure approach to their protest.

Unfortunately, the editors were not satisfied. “He wasn’t edgy enough. We should have tried harder to find a real speaker,” the opinion editor said.

The protest ended when the editor-in-chief concluded that sending off the paper was more important than their protest and told them all to go back inside.

“Get back inside, we have a paper to send off. Your protest can happen later. It’s not like anybody cares about how you feel anyway,” he said.

The editors, defeated and sad, mumbled to themselves about how edgy they were as they retreated to their respective desks to read more letters to the editor about how people don’t get them and only criticize them because they’re jealous of how cool they are.

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