They Actually Gave Me a Column

PHOTO COURTESY Dennis Jarvis | A toast to the new column, and drink to get through it.
PHOTO COURTESY Dennis Jarvis |
A toast to the new column, and drink to get through it.

To be perfectly honest, I should never get access to any kind of public forum. It’ll never end well, but the folks at The Spectrum haven’t realized that, so it’s gonna be fun.

Welcome to my column everyone, the best place for satire this side of the Mason-Dixon Line. I don’t have the hubris to call my articles bigger jokes than Florida.

This is my place to complain about things that bug me more than they really should. Annoyingly tilted wrong way signs, house plants, Texas Instruments calculators that seem to be an inelastic good, you name it. My petty rage knows no bounds.

Trust me, it’s more than just satire. I will defend Applebee’s with realistic expectations and call people out on their abhorrent adoration of burnt marshmallows. I just have weird opinions that go here now rather than on my apartment’s quote board or a near dead Twitter account my roommate setup.

Hell, the conversation that got me this job involved me using what my AP biology teacher taught me about the subject to defend incest on a purely genetic level. Not one of my proudest moments, but I did promise a three hundred word article on the matter.

Strap in and you might see me tank any chance I had of appearing as a balanced individual. (Ha, any chance of that went away with “The Steven Hawking Diet.” Man, that one got a couple calls.)

Anyways, I guess what I’m saying is this is a place for whatever BS comes out of my twisted, ginger brain each week. So if you’re not big on actually reading the newspaper or you think, like I do, The Spectrum is sorely lacking comic strips, or maybe you just enjoy different content, rest assured I’m not a normal writer. I don’t even really see myself as a writer, and I’m certainly not a journalist. I’m a civil engineer and a wannabe comedian.

So to all of you out there still making judgments, I have the same message: read it or don’t, I get paid the same.



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