In a daring move, NDSU’s student senate is refusing to replace a student court justice until after the election season. Nobody has any clue where they got the idea.
The Repelican-controlled senate is currently refusing to vote in any judicial confirmation hearings, as they believe current Student Body President Spencer Moir is incompetent.
“Everyone knows Moir can’t make a single good decision,” a powerful unnamed Repelican confided. “I mean, look at him. Nobody that hot can be intelligent. It wouldn’t be fair to the rest of us. No homo, but he is one serious piece of beefcake.”
Until recently, Mason Wenzel has been running for president unopposed, but in a stunning turn of events, Professor X, the cat who won many write-in votes during the last election season, managed to make it on the ticket.
Wenzel thought X would be out of the running since he is a cat and has no student ID — new bylaws require candidates to have official identification.
X’s campaign manager has maligned allegations that UND hackers had anything to do with getting X on the ticket.
“He’s here to stay, so go cry about it in your law-abiding soup,” the manager said in response to a request for X’s identification.
Repelicans are holding off on Moir’s judicial nomination, since they believe X has the potential to pull off a surprise victory over Wenzel.
“X is really different, and he’ll shake things up,” the unnamed Repelican source noted. “We think that will really appeal to a voter base that hasn’t given a flying fig until recently when they realized budget cuts actually matter and could affect the accreditation of their university.”
X is appealing to other students because he is angry, especially after being recently neutered.
“He’s cantankerous, balding, getting old and losing his mind, but I kind of like that about him,” Billy Bison said, when asked about the “Professor X 2017” and “Make NDSU Great Again” bumper stickers adorning his tricked-out truck, complete with truck nutz.
X’s supporters in the senate and general population all have something in common: the desire to return to a golden age.
“All we want is a return to the ’60s and a militarized police force,” the Repelican representative said. “They got that at Cannonball, so why can’t we have it here?”
“Really, I’m just afraid of recent developments that have given actual rights to people who aren’t white males,” Billy Bison said. “I want the judicial branch to support me, and only me.”
Repelican representatives are hopeful X and any justice he nominates will be able to make big changes at the top.
“We think he’ll be able to work with North Dakota’s State Legislature to remove LGBTQ+ Safe Spaces on campus,” the Repelican source said.
“These pansy-ass wimps and their delicate feelings are making us weaker,” X said in a recent tweet. “That’s why we lost the most recent football championship. Bad (or sick) Moir for supporting these losers!”
On campus, a buzz is in the air. Students wait with bated breath for election results, to see who can rock their world. Stay tuned.