Stockings Versus Stuffing: Which Holiday Season Is It?

These turkeys lost their jobs posing for Thanksgiving ads. They must now turn to the streets and a life of crime.

Thanksgiving is almost here, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. It’s been almost two hundred years since Abraham Simpson declared Thanksgiving a national holiday and people are pretty over it.

These days, all you really get from the Thanksgiving season are those hand-turkeys kids drew while their teachers lied to them about Christopher Columbus. Sure, the “back to school” section of Target gets converted to the Thanksgiving section, but I’m like 70 percent sure that’s to get you out of the grocery section and into the normal shopping area.

It’s a real shame because I always liked Thanksgiving. The colors were vibrant. The family was together. People told me it was about Native Americans teaching us how to grow corn even though it was a pretty non-corn centered holiday. Not even popcorn, hands down the best variety of corn.

In any case, it was nice having everyone there. It was like Christmas except nobody gave me socks and expected me to break down crying like I was on the verge of losing my 10th toe to frostbite. Instead, I just had to pretend to be thankful for things like good health or cards with no money before they’d let me eat.

Now people want to skip dinner and go straight to dessert. Nov. 1 sees everyone breaking out the eggnog and the Christmas music. Admittedly, I will take any opportunity for some ‘nog because it tastes like a milkshake in a carton. It’s a good thing they don’t sell the stuff year-round or I’d have one foot down the diabetes hole and be working on the second. The point stands, can’t we wait like three weeks to start the Christmas stuff?

“But Grant,” you may wonder, “what about Christmas shopping? Don’t you want to get that done ahead of time?” Well, I’ve got two options for you.

One is to reevaluate who is truly important in your life and who you really want to make feel special this year. These are the people who really matter, the only ones you want to make sure know you care. If you’re enough of a douche about it, you can trim your list down to about two people and ride your savings all the way to the bank. Option two is to put on your shoulder pads, hide a tire iron under your hoodie and fight your way though Black Friday.

Take note of the people who give their kids the best stuff so no one will steal it. Those are the easy marks.

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