St. Patrick’s Day for the Rest of the World

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Ah yes, the proud Irish tradition of just rolling with whatever people decide is a good idea on St Paddy’s Day.

As a bearded, Irish ginger, I begrudgingly love St. Paddy’s Day. I’m old/tall enough not to be treated like a leprechaun, but people assuming I should love St. Paddy’s Day because it’s a day for the Irish makes me hate that they’re right.

The energy, the celebration, the fact that I look dashing as hell in green; how can anyone hate it? But it makes me think. There is an entire day devoted to everyone acting Irish, but how awesome, or terrible, would it be to have a day for other nationalities?

I would find an “English Day” hilarious. All the crappy accents, ordering fish and chips and saying stuff like “you wot, twot” and what not. The same kind of good spirits and fun surrounding St. Paddy’s Day, but for the English instead.

Maybe you poke around in your neighbor’s yard “for the empire.” Take a hammer to your teeth if you’re really committed. The world is your oyster you will eat through a straw.

We can have all sorts of holidays like this. What about France Day where everyone just stays at home and locks their doors in fear. Then spend the day being snarky to one another over social media.

We already had a Russia Day, Nov. 8 we put Trump in the White House.

Yugoslavian Day, you can see everyone’s individual take on what Yugoslavian culture is like. I don’t think there’s much of a consensus there, so it’d be fun to see how outlandish or offensive your friends can get.

At this point, I’d like to mention this idea may get very offensive very fast. All laughs and smiles until India Day comes around. Certain people start poking foreheads with a red sharpie, fixing strangers’ iPhones and pulling out the “hurka durka” accents.

China Day people are pulling their eyes back and pretending to sew Nike shoes.

The tension is palpable. The “good fun” has become “so … uh …” Half the country wants to end it all for being offensive, the other half is calling them overly sensitive. All I wanted to do is eat food I would regret that night.

So in conclusion, it could be a lot of fun. Or no fun. It’s 1 a.m. after St. Patrick’s Day, it really doesn’t matter to me.

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