Coffee, or as it’s commonly referred to, bean broth, is the cure-all for all college problems. Yet I still see so many on-the-fencer and non-partakers who hold onto stubborn ideals like “respect for their bodies” and “sleep.”  As a proud addict and so-so columnist, I can’t think of anyone better to convert the non-believers.

I think a large part of the issue is that they just don’t know what they’re getting into the commitment, the procedure, the chemical dependence. To those too afraid to live life through the lens of the Energizer Bunny, let me walk you through the five phases of coffee.

Phase 1: Procurement

Here you’re going to want to pick out your favorite brew. Now with coffee, you really get what you pay for. That’s why you want to throw out all that worthless middle ground. Until you’ve acquired the taste it’s all the same anyway. Afterword’s two-cent sewage that is somehow delicious or semi-expensive sensory overload. Really the highest high you can get from the grocery section of Walmart.

Phase 2: Brewfest 2017

For some, this is a moment of peace and quiet. Some people have a timer set on their makers and don’t even have to wait. When I’m brewing my coffee, it’s sort of like a junkie huddled over a spoon. It’s a game of patience until you’ve got your reward. Fair warning if you use a Keurig, pretty sure they’re in competition with the Heinz guys to see whose product can sound more like the lactose intolerant kid on milkshake day.

Phase 3: Coffee

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. At first it will taste like someone scraped the dirt off their boots into your mug and burnt it. Trust me, once you’ve had enough it tastes like someone scraped the dirt off their boots into your mug and burnt it, but you’re OK with it. It’s important to note that coffee dehydrates you, so remember not to drink water. This will keep your bloodline clear and at max efficiency.

Phase 4: Too Much Coffee

You ready to feel alive, kiddo? You were looking for a pick-me-up and thought an extra cup or two would just move the process along. Now it feels like there’s a hummingbird in your chest and you only think you’re blinking when really you’ve had a hyper-intensive stare for the past ten minutes. If you think your heart is going to explode, don’t worry that will pass. Well, the concern will pass. You’ll still feel like the old ticker got on the roller coaster without a seatbelt. My advice is to ride this feeling for as long as possible.

Phase 5: Crash (Optional)

Once the caffeine has worked through your system, it’ll leave you a husk of a person. There is a simple fix to this dilemma: drink more coffee. Why not, right? It felt good the last time and life is so much more productive when you don’t sleep. Hopefully this strategy also imparts just how vicious a cycle caffeine is. It’s a wild ride, but you’d have to rip me off kicking and screaming. Between the two of us, I’d know who has the energy to put up a fight.