A Confusing Time in Your Life

anjanettew | PHOTO CREDS
Let’s give it up for the real holiday being celebrated.

This is probably a confusing time of year. Literally, what time of year is this? All the spooky stuff is coming down, and no one is sure what to put up next. Sure, there’s an obvious answer, but we like to ignore the obvious answer. We do so more and more each year. This may help you understand what’s going on in your local department store.

Picture our favorite mascot for the next holiday in line. Our best friend we’ve ever killed and eaten, the Thanksgiving Turkey. He’s sitting around the DMV (Department of Merchandise Value). It’s going a little slow because there are only two counters and Uncle Sam is taking one of them. He is being told he’s already been helped, but insists, “Every day belongs to the U.S. of A!” Double T likes the sentiment, but not that he’s stuck behind him.

The Easter Bunny and Valentine’s Baby are chatting it up in the parking lot, already done with this hellhole. “So if you’re the guy’s death, how’d you get to go before his birth?” The Easter Bunny shrugs and responds, “People are weird, and no one wants to find my eggs in the cold.” Visibly uncomfortable, the Valentine’s Baby responds, “Yeah, I’ve actually been meaning to ask about the egg thing … ”

“Helping number 208” rings over the intercom. “Finally,” thinks our bird bud. He walks up to the counter to find Santa already standing there. “Um, excuse me? I’m 208,” Double T says sheepishly. “Pretty sure you got that mixed up, chief,” says Santa, as he holds up a ticket saying “209” where someone used a Sharpie to turn the “9” into an “8.” “You gonna believe a bird or the man who makes you crap gold two months out of the year?”

I will give the girl at the counter a pseudonym to protect her identity. Let’s just call her “Whoever Is In Charge Of Decorating Target.” Whoever Is In Charge Of Decorating Target looked at her wallet, looked at the Thanksgiving Turkey and said: “Please grab a number and take a seat.” Double T sadly gobbled back to his seat, as Santa chatted up Whoever Is In Charge Of Decorating Target for her number.

Now, because Christmas is so stylish and prints money, we get Christmas lights and eggnog in November. If after all that you don’t feel the need to stand up for Thanksgiving, then you’re not being too thankful.

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