The True Meaning Of Dead Week

The following is an absolutely 100 percent true excerpt from some abandoned Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

Dead Week (Noun)

(Deader Week, Deadest Week)

Synonyms: hellfire, honeypot, misery, trap, bait and switch.

  1. A grace period at the end of a college semester where hope is a myth, and caffeine flows like the Nile River.
  2. Utilized by professors to take out their life problems on you in the form of final projects and papers.
  3. A once novel idea created to help students learn and do well on finals that was ruined by professors everywhere who took it upon themselves to ensure no student survives with an ‘A’.
  4. Have you seen “Zombieland”? The professors are the zombies, but you’re not the hero; you’re the kid who gets eaten by them; the freshmen were the first to go.
  5. “Zombieland” rules also apply: primarily “double tap” of espresso, “Beware of bathrooms” for they are primary crying areas and “no attachments” including, but not limited to, friends, family, pets, sleep, happiness and self-esteem.
  6. The time when the university finally does something smart: bringing in therapy dogs.
  7. A week where procrastination sounded like a fantastic idea.
  8. Notice they finished the library construction just as dead week started, just to mock you.
  9. No matter how often you shower, or how much deodorant you use, you will always stench of despair.
  10. A period of time when Netflix is more tantalizing and addicting than meth.

Used in a sentence:

“I heard there isn’t any homework during dead week!”- NDSU freshman.

“They are coming…” – NDSU senior, as she hauntingly stares into the distance with lifeless eyes.

“Look at all these students suffering through dead week.” – said one university administrator to another. “It’s beautiful isn’t it? Let’s apply next semester’s bill to their accounts now to really rub it in!”

“Hey dudes, when you’re done with dead week and finals, I’ll meet all you lightweights at the Turf.” – President Dean Bresciani

Leave a Reply