What your professors aren’t telling you

This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.

Do you ever feel like your professors are out of this world? Do they use big words that you just can’t comprehend? Do you ever wonder why they just don’t seem to understand their students? Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s because your professor is most likely an alien.

First of all, do you ever notice how professors just seem to have a secret language between each other. They use big words like “academia” and “psychoanalysis”. What average human knows what those words mean? Beyond just their language that they use, why is it that we can barely ever read their handwriting? It’s like they’re writing in a secret code that goes along with their incomprehensible language. Coincidence? I think not! 

Ever notice how professors are brainwashing us under the guise of “education”? They claim they are just “educating” us, but are they really? They may just be trying to lure us into their alien ways of life. They’re just trying to see how gullible humans are. How is it that they have all this information that they’re able to give us? Their intelligence just outrivals humans. Only aliens could have this level of intelligence. 

Professors are performing literal experiments and tests on us. I mean, why else would they assign so many exams or assignments? They’re testing our intelligence to make sure that we humans are not overthrowing them. They assign us these “tests” to keep us in line and to know our place. 

They claim these tests are for our grades, but what are grades really? They’re an arbitrary system that was set up by none other than…professionals in “academia,” that coded word that only aliens would know. So, this secret society of aliens literally invented grades as a way to experiment on us humans.

How about the professors who are actually performing experiments on us under the name “psychological study”? It’s highly suspicious. Have you ever wondered why professors always seem to be so interested in students’ lives or behavior? It’s like they are trying to figure out how humans think and operate in order to control us even more. 

What about their activities off campus? Why is it that they are rarely seen off campus? Maybe it’s because they aren’t on our earth anymore. I suspect that once they are done “teaching” us, professors get up in their spaceship to discuss the results of their daily experiments. That’s why we rarely see them outside of classes. 

Professors are just an enigma here on campus. They don’t seem to be like us at all, which can only mean one thing…they are secretly aliens who are performing experiments on us humans. I don’t know what happens after we “graduate” from their experiment, but I’d warn any student to be wary of trusting what their professors are saying. Don’t listen to their lectures. Don’t read their texts. I’d say don’t even make eye contact with them.