Let’s Sacrifice Congress to Lions

Modern problems require ancient solutions

This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.

I know the headline might sound a little extreme, but hear me out. The economy is in shambles, the planet is dying so fast that I will never see a winter like those of my childhood again and our elected officials represent the corporations who give them the most money instead of their actual constituents. I think if we threw every federal congressperson into a pit with some lions, Daniel-style, we could solve a lot of problems at once.

Let these guys make national decisions for once.
Photo by Pixabay via pexels.com.
  1. Trial by combat needs to come back, anyway. 

What better way to reintroduce this totally foolproof system back into modern society than by finding out if God really wants these guys in charge? If it’s divinely ordained, then they’ll obviously survive the ordeal, and everything will be fine. But if not – which I think is more likely, since they’re doing an absolutely shit job of caring about anyone but themselves – then we’ll have culled some of our worst enemies and we can start over.

  1. Guillotines are really easy to build. 

My prior point was more about putting our choice of elected officials into the hands of God, but also I’d like to emphasize that politicians are not nearly scared enough. Do you know how severely we outnumber them? How quickly the French Revolution (which was totally successful) faded from memory. I think sacrificing Congress would remind the rest of our federal – and local – officials that the people have the power – not the other way around. Donations from Nestle mean nothing to a hungry lion.

  1. I’m bored. 

It seems like bad things only happen to normal people, and that’s not fair. Maybe it’s time the buck stops with us, and we mete out some karma. You can’t tell me every fast food employee in this country wouldn’t be a little happy to see rich people get torn apart by Karens – er, lions.

  1. I’m also poor. 

When the unworthy among our congresspeople are eliminated by the hand of God, we can redistribute their wealth amongst ourselves. I see no flaws in this plan.

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