You’re the real horror story.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’ve always been ambitious, Aries, and it has served you well (mostly). You know that person in horror movies who always thinks they’ll solve the problem if everyone splits up? That’s you. Don’t be that person. When your friends ask you to that house party and you obviously say yes to, stay with your friends. The result if you don’t? A hook hanging off your car door as you wonder how that serial killer from the state prison even found you of all people.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You may be bullheaded, but you’re not stupid. How could you do such a thing? Oh, don’t know what I’m talking about? You will. What you’ve done is comparable to what those mean girls did to Carrie. Would you like to be covered in pig’s blood? Well, you might as well be judging by your grades. Seriously? How do you do that poorly on a test? It’s like you didn’t even try, or you did and your real life worst nightmare came true. Keep going like this and soon your credit score will drop, you’ll be out of all you classes and end up staying here another year and a half. Is that what you want? Or should I go get the pig’s blood?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Are you a sick f— who likes a quick f—? Because you and Kanye have a lot in common. Both of you have no idea how your life got to be where it is, and you’ll suddenly find an urge to understand it. You’ve been pulling a lot of all nighters and feel like you’re going to snap, and this time you will. Instead of taking a sleeping pill and passing out for eight hours, this time you might find yourself in the middle of that Halloween party ready to slap that girl who won’t leave you alone. Now, I could tell you not to slap her, but you’ve already made your decision. After making whatever poor decision you’re inevitably going to make, act like Michael Jackson and beat it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Contrary to your horoscope’s unfortunate name, you will not be getting cancer … probably. But that doesn’t mean that a different unfortunate event or illness won’t visit you. You may be bowing to the porcelain god after this weekend. Alternatively, if you aren’t the drinking type, get ready for the flu to hit or another seasonal illness.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Hey there, Leo, let me hear you roar. Now sit down and shut up because I’m about to learn you a few things. That Halloween costume you’re working so hard on is doing too much. Being creative is not doing you any favors, and before you get your panties in a twist about how it’ll look so good and that payoff will be worth it, know it won’t be. If you go to the bars like most of your friends are doing, everybody will be too drunk to appreciate your costume and somebody will probably just spill a beer on it. Oh, and all that time you wasted working on it? You should have been studying.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Let’s face it, you’re a trash human, and that’s OK. You’ve come to accept that about yourself. You know what scares you most, and so do the stars: getting your act together. It’s time to throw out the clothes you own that have more holes than is socially acceptable, start getting to work and class on time and start eating right. No, energy drinks don’t count as eating right. Or, alternatively, continue down this trash rabbit hole and become the sludge at the bottom of the trashcan that can never really be cleaned out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Hey, Libra, you entitled little ghoul. Let’s be honest, you have no idea what the real world is like, and you’re too happy being fed worms from the safety of your nest to just jump out and fail already. What’s so bad about failure? You have to do it at least once, might as well get it over with. It’s OK, Libra, if you’re inappropriately old to enter the real world. Everyone will stop making fun of your ineptitude eventually. Unless you mess it up. Don’t mess it up.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your combination of ambition and indecisiveness is out to get you, Scorpio. If you keep living aimlessly, you will end up in a career you don’t enjoy and every day will end with a feeling of ultimate dissatisfaction. The scariest part? You won’t know if there’s anything you can do to get yourself out of it. And is there? Or have you destined yourself to a life of settling on account of not taking initiative or an interest in your life early on? Could you have done more? Should you have done more? Will you ever know?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your tendency to go with the flow has gotten you into trouble before, and now is no different. We all have that friend who’s a bad influence, but you have many. You have a tendency to listen to them too, and your peaceful nature will keep you from confronting them about what they do to you. This season is particularly scary because you can never tell if that cutie in the corner is cute because of the costume or because they’re actually a cutie. Unfortunately for you, that night with a cutie might turn into a morning with a real goblin. Good luck out there.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You seem to have your life figured out, don’t you? You have a career path. You know who you are as a person. You have got everything a college student would ever need. Do you know what’s coming at you like a bullet train? Self-doubt, which is something you don’t know how to deal with, and this time it’s coming with a wrath. You will be hit with a cloud of self-doubt and a feeling of transition.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You have always been free spirited, uncontrollable and a complete mess. You seem to lift all those around you up, but who lifts you up? Who’s got your back? Are you alone? That’s what your Halloween will feel like, alone and vulnerable. The scariest part? It’s not limited to just Halloween. It may even lead into the rest of your life. People who are real are so rare, and you know that better than anybody. Sometimes it feels like the only person you can really trust is yourself, and you’d be right; you can only ever trust in yourself. Nobody else will be there to help you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your mild manner has got you into some pretty uncomfortable situations, and this season will be no different. You’ve always preferred to just be with your close friends, so when they drag you out to a new place with new people and new things, it’s scary. And that’s what the rest of your life will be like, dragging on and on with new people coming into it every day. And those you love most leaving. You are destined to repeat this pattern until you ultimately decide you should just get a cat and be alone.