Halloween is the sexiest holiday

The definitive list of holidays by sex-appeal

Photo Courtesy | Creative Commons and rich701

I know the question on everyone’s mind these days: What makes a holiday sexy? — No? This hasn’t been on your mind? Well then let me enlighten you with the answer to a fantastic question with a not-so-easy answer.

Determining holiday sexiness requires the utmost care and seriousness. Please come prepared for my definitive, absolutely unbiased, non-satirical ranking of some fan-favorite holidays by sexiness level.

Number one: Halloween

Of course Halloween is ranked first: role play, an excuse to wear leather, free chocolate — the holiday is dripping in sex appeal.

For one night (or full week if you follow NDSU’s party rules), you get free reign to dress in a way that would bring you scornful glances any other. Halloween has everything from vampires to scary haunted houses with lots of excuses for cuddling up close to someone.

Not to mention Halloween’s roots in paganism and the occult; there’s something about it that’s just so wrong it’s right.

Just remember friends: consent is sexy.

Number two: St. Patrick’s Day

I know, I know, anything with ‘saint’ in the name is not exactly screaming sex; however, if you can think there’s anything sexier than a guy banishing every snake off of an entire country like St. Pat did, then you’re wrong. 

Add in shitty beer and everyone wearing the color green — the sexiest color for which I’ll be accepting zero arguments on this point — and you’ve got quite the steamy holiday.

You might be thinking at this moment, “But I’m not Irish, the holiday is not that exciting and with a name like Delaney Halloran you definitely seem Irish and biased.” And my response to that is I am obnoxiously Irish, and you bet your ass a holiday where people are encouraged to kiss me for it is going to be a favorite.

Number three: Winter Holidays

If initially winter holidays don’t seem sexually appealing, I understand. All of those religious undertones and materialistic obsessions don’t necessarily get my engines revving either.

Still, winter holidays involve a lot of layers. Images of a strapping young lady taking off her coat by the fire or Chris Evans in a woven knit sweater are like Wattpad gold. Winter weather requires keeping each other warm by whatever means necessary. 

Now, not everyone might be getting excited about doing the deed in your childhood bedroom while you pray your bed doesn’t squeak, but there’s something kind of exciting about being sneaky, right?

Number four: Thanksgiving

A holiday dedicated to gorging yourself and with a history that’s assimilationist at best and outright racist at worst is not a prime time for getting busy, but it has some sex-laden qualities. 

There’s a whole lot of phallic imagery involved in all the stuffing and creaming of things on Thanksgiving. Plus, the holiday typically has a built in time for a nap which is perfect for building your energy reserves. And really, there’s no better way to relieve the tension of a ruined Thanksgiving than by just going to town. 

Number five: Valentine’s Day

Some of you are surprised to see Valentine’s Day listed so low, but the holiday for lovers has really just turned into a holiday where single people remind couples how insufferable they are — which, while not totally off-base, certainly does ruin the mood. 

The holiday should instead be called “Can’t Get a Dinner Reservation Day.” Also, to whomever decided to put a romantic holiday in the middle of February: my seasonal depression would like to have a word.

Still, I’ll give the day some sexy points for the discounted chocolate the week after Valentine’s Day and the blatant encouragement to get it on.

Number six: Independence Day

Nothing quite kills my buzz like seeing an American flag speedo. Red, white and blue are colors that make anyone look like they wandered straight off the golf-course of their gated communities. Bonus points to anyone who wears khakis or a backward baseball cap on the 4th of July.

The 4th is hot, sweaty and loud. Plus, watching small children fight over candy in the street during a parade is free birth control. 

A single silver and sexy lining for the day are the fireworks at the end of the night.

Number seven: Black Friday

The least sexy holiday has to be Black Friday. This consumerist nightmare needs to crawl back down to the depths of hell from which it once came. Anything that has Jeff Bezos shaking in a happy sweat has got me ready to vomit.

What is appealing about abandoning your family and surrounding yourself with hoards of people to buy discount underwear is beyond me. If you do happen to be in the mood, just wait until you see someone running a cart over another person for a toaster that was actually cheaper to buy the week before.

Black Friday is such a sex-drive-killing behemoth it should be studied.

Where did your favorite holiday stack up?

Think I got the ordering wrong? Did I miss your favorite holiday (I was considering Easter, it just didn’t seem to fit, sorry)? Well, unfortunately these rankings are my 100% correct opinion and you’ll just have to wait and try again next year.

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