Dear readers,

I come to you today with incredible news for liberals everywhere! The brave ecological warriors of America have at last succeeded in outlawing genetically modified organisms. The outbreak of organic food parties across the east and west coasts is matched only by the rampant starvation spreading across the developing world.

As everyone knows, GMOs are essentially Satan himself distilled into an edible form. Modern techniques for producing desired traits in crops are obviously significantly worse than the practices used since mankind adopted agriculture. Never mind the fact that selective breeding has been around since literally prehistory; the scientists currently playing God with our foodstuffs are making a grave mistake. The actions corporations like Monsanto have taken to create crops that grow in difficult climates are clearly self-serving and destructive.

Thankfully, America’s decision has the power to end this scourge once and for all. With our standing as global police, it should be no trouble to go through the developing world and remove all trace of such products. This will spare the less fortunate from the horrible fate of receiving adequate nutrition and allowing them to starve to death on organic products. Just as nature intended.

Furthermore, switching to natural products should hamstring America’s agriculture as well. This will eliminate food waste by ensuring we cannot possibly grow enough food to have any extra. I don’t know about you, but I like this “two birds, one stone” approach.

Indeed, it is a good day to be an unwashed hippie. This victory will stand as one of the greatest triumphs of our age. And with this out of the way, we can finally focus on convincing the Republicans that climate change is real.

You’d think all the scientific evidence of climate change’s human origins would be enough to ensure that action is taken. But then again, the movement against GMOs has no scientific basis at all. So maybe we all need to open our minds a little.

Sarcastically yours,

Papa Jon