While I hope you all enjoyed your break, I am tasked with greeting you with grave news indeed. Word has reached my ears that the United States has been quietly taken over by a sinister Galactic Empire. But do not panic my friends, for hope remains.
You may have noticed a few weeks ago that the United States Press Secretary walked into the daily press conference flanked by two imposing soldiers in gleaming white armor. It is my understanding that these were “Stormtroopers,” the soldiers of this vile regime.
This silent nod to their power from our highest authority is a clear indication that the cowardly Obama administration has fallen without a fight. This explains our so-called president’s recent commitment to seizing the guns of the American people. He is obviously attempting to weaken the populace and ensure easy rule for the new overlords.
But in our darkest hour, a spark of hope has ignited. A handful of courageous citizen-soldiers have taken a stand against the impending tyranny. I am sure you have all heard of the armed men occupying the National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. I believe their recent call for snacks and blankets was in fact a coded message. It is simply absurd to think anyone might attempt to occupy federal property without bothering to bring food. It seems to me these wonderful freedom fighters are inviting us to join their cause. And men such as this clearly love aliens of all kinds, so this is sure to be an interplanetary effort.
Readers, we must stand against this malicious empire. It is our duty as Americans to challenge unjust abuses of authority, like punishing men for deliberately setting fire to land that isn’t theirs. And never forget that armed occupations are far more significant for progress than peaceful protests.