Don’t be Afraid of the Anti-Antibiotic Buzz

PHOTO COURTESY FLICKR.COM Jeff Eaton | Trust me, I'm imitating a doctor.
Trust me, I’m imitating a doctor.

The anti-antibiotics movement has gained some traction lately. The FDA even banned 19 chemicals used in antibacterial soaps. I know this can leave you with some question. “What’s wrong with antibiotics? Isn’t bacteria bad? What are you doing in my home?”

Well the answer to all those questions is the same: I swear to God I can explain.

You know how antibacterial stuff has that “kills 99.9 percent of bacteria” sticker on it? Well it has to do with that remaining 0.1 percent. That’s the 0.1 percent that is naturally immune to antibiotics and can now thrive.

Let me put it this way:

So imagine you have just a normal small town. The people are bacteria and this town represents whatever part is in need of antibiotics: hands, ear, privates, whatever. Now the U.S. government is going a bit nuts and has created an organization called the “Authority on National Turmoil IMadeUpForThisArticle,” or ANTI. You get one guess as to who they represent.

Now ANTI is charged with detaining everyone in this town for national security, which is the new name for Guantanamo Bay. Unfortunately, ANTI has a weakness for gingers, because who doesn’t. Gingers are your 0.1 percent and now they’re the only people left in town. While a town full of gingers may seem like a paradise for some, things are going to change quickly.

The gingers are now left with two things: an immunity to ANTI and all the resources in the town. They used to have to share necessities like food, clothing or post-Halloween sale candy. Now they have all they could ever want and can just sit around and … ya know … reproduce.

Well time passes (seconds for bacteria) and the town is once again fully populated, but the gingers that used to make a small percentage of the population are now its entirety.

Now things are starting to get weird. Illegal gambling is happening in broad daylight, the kids are hopped up on glue and sex, people are ripping the “do not remove under penalty of law” tags off mattresses. Utter madness.

Surrounding towns are crying out to ANTI for help. The gingers are making their way into their neighborhoods, their schools. Kids are learning way too much on the playground and if this continues parents may need to talk seriously to their children. No thank you, they’ll learn about the more delicate facets of life the natural way: half understanding it and kind of stumbling through until the bluff is called and they learn very quickly.

ANTI charges into the corrupt town ready to kick names and take — wait. Wait, they’re not even scared. ANTI screams and threatens, but just gets not-tobacco smoke blown in their face. They’re powerless to this new city they’ve created by getting rid of the people they could handle.

So you see, antibiotics were doomed from the beginning. They kill bacteria in the short term, but replace them with worse bacteria in the long term. Every time you use them, they get less and less effective until almost all bacteria is immune to it.

Now this doesn’t mean you should not take antibiotics, they’re still better than an infection. Also, if your doctor prescribes you with antibiotics, but you’re feeling better and think you can stop taking them early, take ALL of the antibiotics prescribed to you as scheduled. The infection can still return and then you’re taking even more antibiotics.

Just be aware of the issue and don’t get scared by the idea of not taking antibiotics or using antibacterial soap. Also gingers are a disease, viva la revolcion (refer to picture by author’s name).


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