the rectum

Disney to Copyright New Testament

Hitting theaters Christmas 2020, a harrowing tale of a guy trying to crawl out from under his dad’s shadow, not directed by Mel Gibson though. Disney has just put a patent on the New Testament for their next feel good animated adventure.

“We think the story of Christ belongs to the people,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said, “and now we’ll bring that story to the masses in a whole new light.”

Even so, copyright infringement suits are already hitting courts. Jesus Fish must now be any “Finding Nemo” character and every crucifix must come with a proportionally sized “m” next to it to form “tm.”

As far as casting goes, there are few confirmed voices as of yet. Chris Pratt will be the voice of this light-hearted, goofy Jesus. Bill Hager is to play someone not completely insignificant, but you would hesitate to call important. Finally, Kevin Hart will be the Saint Peter the Apostle’s talking rabbit. With this amazing lineup and also Bill Hager, expectations are high our band of brotherly apostles. Also, Mel Gibson is not directing anything.

Some concerns have been raised over who can truly own the New Testament. Can a story that’s been around longer than the people who claim to own it really belong to them? Well, Disney would point you towards classics like “Cinderella” and “Snow White” and say “you were fine with it then.” To which parents respond “ya, but now there are ads at my son’s confirmation and it’s kind of killing the mood.”

While the debate carries on, one thing is for certain: there will be one song that is played nonstop until it drives it we’ve all heard it a thousand times. I’m still not 100% sure why “Let It Go” took off like it did. Regardless, I’m excited to see what comes of this incredible endeavor dubbed “The Lion King” meets “The Passion of the Christ.”

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