Next week is already dead week, which raises an interesting question: why do we call it “dead week?” In my experience, “dead week” is very much alive and kicking.

In theory, the week is supposed to provide a little down time to prepare for finals. In reality, it consists of lectures as usual and panicking about every paper that is due at exactly the same time.

I have come to the conclusion that the phrase “dead week” is a misnomer. It’s sort of like calling the person thrashing around in the trunk of your car dead. It would be ideal for the situation, but it just isn’t the case.

In light of this grave mistake, I have decided to provide a few definitions for “dead week” that are hopefully more accurate than its current usage.

Dead Week. Noun.

1. A week in which students feel a sense of impending doom, as if the reaper is stalking them at all times. “The students told dead week stories around the campfire.”
2. A week in which students suddenly realize that their brain needs to contain much more information than it currently does. “Someone yelled ‘dead week!’ in a crowded hallway and five people lost continence.”

Synonyms: Fear. Panic. Identity crisis.

Antonyms: Summer break.

Dead Week. Verb.

1. The act of going catatonic upon realizing how much work needs to be done in a short time span. “Only four more days and I’m totally gonna dead week.”

Synonyms: Pass out. Faint. Lose it. Hit the wall.

Antonyms: Rejuvenate. Relax.

Dead Week. Adjective.

1. Not the absolute worst, but a long way from good. A 7.5 out of 10 on the badness scale. “How was your day? Dead week.”

Synonyms: Unpleasant. Less than stellar.

Antonyms: Awesome. Spectacular.

My hope is that one of these definitions will catch on and be sanctioned by the university. But until that day, feel free to pick a definition and run with it.

Later, y’all. I’m about to dead week.