I’m just gonna say what everyone’s thinking: plants are idiots. All they do is sit there in the window sill soaking up sun like they own the place. I say we stick it to the plant apologists and tell the truth about house plants: they are so needy. When compared to dogs and cats, plants look like a day job. Lets’ just take a look at the struggle of the everyday plant owner.

First off, if you leave them alone, they die. They need constant care. They’re like a sick family member who feels too entitled to thank you for being their personal nurse. Forget to water them and they shrivel up and die, presumably to spite you for letting them slip your mind. “But what if you forget to feed a dog” you ask? Then Lassie finds half a Pop-tart and few gum wrappers in the trash and sleeps like a goddamn baby.

You ever take a dog for a walk? They trot along with you and help you pick up chicks. You ever take a plant for a walk? You have to carry it EVERYWHERE. My sample size isn’t large enough to draw a conclusion about how women react, but so far it hasn’t gone well. A dog will chase down a Frisbee for miles and bring it back to you. A plant will make you go grab it every time. Jesus, I might as well be jogging.

So when you go to bed tonight, and your dogs and cats are curling up wherever they lay, just remember that the house plants are in their spots. They own those spots. You can’t put jack in those spots and they know it. When you feed your dog, it’ll love you. The plants won’t. When your cat acts like it deserves the world, the plants think they own it. Goodbye plants, I hope you don’t get too dry in hell.