I return to you once again with news from our lesser neighbors to the north. With a new name finally selected, their greatest struggle has ended.
I was shocked to discover, however, that not all students were thrilled about this turn of events. I spoke at length with one fan who somehow ended up in Bison country.
“Forget the name itself. There was no chance we’d ever let go of Sioux and be happy with whatever was selected. The issue now is that our time in the spotlight is over,” this melancholy man said. “Our brief spate of national relevance will utterly evaporate as everyone learns that our nickname is completely inoffensive.
“And I’m not ready to fade into obscurity again.”
Although I did not anticipate this reaction, I must admit it makes a great deal of sense. With the controversy resolved, all the nation has left to evaluate the athletics department on is its thoroughly lackluster performance.
Even the most die-hard fans must admit that their football team simply cannot compete within their home state, and that their basketball team seems to always lose to the Bison when it matters most.
This of course leaves their lauded hockey team. But considering they haven’t won a national championship in 15 years, it’s not entirely clear where the positive attention comes from.
“When any national attention on your athletics stems from a pointless controversy, it becomes so very important that the conflict continue,” the man continued. “With a new nickname, we’re even more of a no-name school than we were before.”
Outside of the dismal athletic prospects, a brief review of UND’s other attributes leaves little room for further hope. The location, Grand Forks, is one of the very few places in the country that can describe itself as being “like Fargo, but colder and with less to do.”
The academics are absolutely atrocious, although I hear the sweet house parties might make up for that. And finally, the lack of leadership the student body can find acceptable indicates that things are unlikely to improve moving forward.
I took the time to run these musings by the lone Hawk that had managed to fly this far south. His only response was: “If we were still debating the nickname, you would have never written about the rest of this.”