Target practice: The newest addition to ads

Tracking your data to get the best ad experience

Don’t mind us, just checking to see if you need new shoes.

Hey there! It’s me, your friendly banner ad! Lately, I don’ feel like I’ve paid very close attention to your needs. Well, I just felt so bad about that, so I’ve decided to start doing what all the cool businesses are doing these days: targeted advertising!

See, normally I just throw products at you, but now I see you bought a toaster! You know what’s better than one toaster? A dozen toasters for the price of nine toasters! Just think of all the toast you could toast with a dozen toasters for the price of nine toasters. If we keep just handing out toasters, well, gee, we’ll be toast!

I also see in your search history you’re wondering which toothpaste is best. Well, boy do I have the product for you: dentures! Why waste sweet cash on dental hygiene when you can just upgrade? Right now they’re half off, assuming you only want half of the teeth.

What’s this now? We’re hearing through your phone’s microphone that you’re a cat person. OMG, they ARE so cute! Well, we have these legally questionable friends that we are not legally allowed to call friends. For a mere $15,000 they can get you an hour alone in a room with a Burmese tiger! Purrrrfection!

Don’t answer yet though. I’ve come across some troubling information. In front of me right now are satellite images of you squinting. Squinting! How about some Ray-Ban sunglasses to protect those peepers? You’ll be chewing tobacco and cutting the sleeves off your shirts in no time.

If none of that interests you, don’t worry. Algorithms and invasions of privacy can only do so much to predict your needs. You’d be surprised what our staff psychics can do with all natural, homegrown herbs and spices with a touch of ram’s blood. They have seen the day you die: June 12, 2023! Why not get a jump-start on the arrangements with Morteson and Son Funeral Home! It’s like we always say at Morteson and Son Funeral Home, why grieve your wallet?

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