Support Your Third Party Candidates

Well guys, we’ve put up with two candidates who have the highest disapproval rates to date. Not gonna lie, we kinda screwed the pooch on this one. But this does leave us with a unique opportunity.

America has been struggling to identify itself for a while now. Should our government be looking out for businesses or people? Do we have no religion, or are we a Christian nation? How do we handle abrasive foreign powers like Russia and China? Well, nothing would be more sobering than electing Kanye West as president of the United States of America.

I mean he’s got some serious upsides. Just compare him to the current candidates.

Assuming everything in his songs are true, his rap sheet would still be shorter than Hillary’s. Kanye is also, to my knowledge, not a lizard person in a skin suit pretending to be human.

He’s not just bravado like Trump either; he truly believes and will act on, every word he says. His ego may be larger than Trump’s, but it is also big enough he can just pretend he’s better than you rather than getting upset like a man-child. I’ve never seen Kanye kick a baby out of a concert. I mean, I’ve never seen a baby at a concert, but I’m sure Kanye would bring a baby to one of his concerts to prove he wouldn’t kick a baby out of his concert despite serious grievances from the audience.

Some people believe Christian morals belong in politics. Regardless of your thoughts on the matter, it can all be settled by one compromise: we are now a theocracy under Yeezus. Expect weekly auto-tuned sermons. Mandatory, weekly auto-tuned sermons.

God, I would love to be a fly on the wall for a meeting between Putin and Kanye. Just a lot of incoherent, vaguely racist yelling and wild accusations. Putin would toss out something like “who do you think you are?!” which would lead to one of two responses: a 20 minute rant about who he is, his struggles and his role in the creation of the universe or he would pull out his chains, one having an alpha, the other an omega. Regardless, Putin would be a little more than confused.

You may not like it, but look at the position we’re in guys. Maybe you said you wanted someone different from the rest of the politicians, so you voted for Trump. “He’s a straight shooter” is tossed around. Well, this is almost the same logic making Duterte, the president of the Philippines, so popular. People actually really like him for being different, but the almost 2,300 people who have been killed by police or vigilantes for drug related crimes since he took office on June 30 would disagree.

Now don’t start thinking I like Hillary. She’s a criminal who says whatever she thinks will get her a couple more votes. She’s just good at keeping up appearances. Much better than Trump, who seems to be a bull in a china shop, which in retrospect is more the fault of the store owner for not keeping a tight enough shift around his shop that a two-ton farm animal can stroll on in and run amok in the joint.

Also, Bo Burnham did a Kanye song, but not a Hillary or Trump song. Not a huge thing, but he’s got that going for him.

Do you want someone different? Kanye is pretty damn different. Do you want someone who isn’t Trump? Kanye is not comparable to any man alive. You want to send a message that Americans have a voice? I’m sure that will come across in his inaugural address where he gives his plan for making America great again: $90 t-shirts, portraits of his face in all government buildings and more Bo Burnham songs.

Leave a Reply