Student Government Inspired By Star Wars

North Dakota State student government recently made shocking changes to its own constitution and is taking on a new role in the lives of students.

Wooed by the recent release of the latest Star Wars episode, student government has renamed itself the First Order and plans to build an ultimate weapon of its own.

The members of the once “honorable” institution found themselves sitting in the comfortable red reclining chairs of Fargo Theatre on a five-dollar movie night.

“Most people found the film to be an entertaining tale of good versus evil; we really only enjoyed the evil parts, and found ourselves sympathizing with the dark side,” said Nikki Borstad, student government’s public relations executive. “Oppression is clearly working for the First Order in the movie, so we would like to bring that same level of despair to our student body.”

Ongoing and future plans are in the works.

“Clearly the student senate was having none of our new plans so we as an exec team dissolved the senate and implemented a dictatorship,” said external affairs executive Jacob Dailey. “Currently we plan on using student fees to build an ultimate weapon, but we can’t think of anything more nefarious than the Aquatic Center, which is already being built.”

Rumors have been heard that student fee increases without any purpose, and removing the ‘unlimited’ meal plan to better oppress the rowdy and hopeful freshmen are on the way.

Current student body president Eric McDaniel will be assuming the role of student body dictator and Sith Lord, while his padawan Josh Fergel will do his bidding.

“I’m really excited to be a Sith apprentice,” said Fergel, “I’m already designing my mask, it will be a cross between my two favorite Star Wars characters C-3PO and Jar Jar Binks.”

Student government plans to start hanging Red banners all around campus and will require incoming students to take a mandatory midichlorian test along with the current ACT. Bike Share will be scrapped in the spring and replaced with TIE Fighter Share.

“Alas, it doesn’t have a nice ring to it,” Sith Lord McDaniel said.

“We encourage the average student to get out, stretch their legs, and participate in some recreational rebellion obliteration with this new program,” said Fergel “It’s a very costly program, and it wasn’t really thought out well, but they make really fun noises as you zip by and blow up rebels. Ten out of ten, would recommend.”

Student leaders had strong feelings toward those who may oppose the New Order.

“Anybody who has a high enough midichlorian count that will not conform to our ways will be exiled to the edge of the known universe where no intelligent life exists (UND Fighting Hawks),” Borstad said.

Hope remains however; a small band of rebel fighters have rallied around their Jedi leader President Dean Bresciani. “Eric and Josh betrayed me, and also what else am I supposed to do with this green and gold lightsaber?” said Bresciani. “ Ever since we kicked the fencing team off campus, I have been using this thing for party tricks and to spread butter on my morning six slices of whole wheat toast.”

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire, deal with it.

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