Middle-Class White Male Concludes Discrimination Doesn’t Exist

Dear readers,

Today’s update is sure to bring peace of mind to any women and minorities reading my work. I am delighted to inform you that concepts like institutionalized racism, sexism and privilege are complete fabrications! After whooping for joy, I made sure to reach out to the groundbreaking researcher who discovered the real truth.

“I mean, it’s always been pretty obvious to me,” remarked John Smith, a six-foot tall white male with a stable financial background. “All of these ludicrous claims that someone’s race or gender influences their trajectory in life just seemed so bogus. I knew that I had to draw upon my comfortable upbringing and parent-funded education to get to the bottom of this.”

Smith’s work is truly remarkable. Through his own interactions with authority figures, he was able to determine that everyone calling attention to such issues is simply a crybaby.

“The police have been nothing but kind to me,” Smith emphatically declared. “Yeah they were a little tough on me for open-carrying my AR-15 down Main Street, but after a stern talking to I think we both felt satisfied. I’ll never understand why people claim our wonderful folks in blue discriminate just because they gun down the occasional unarmed black teenager.

“If those kids just had better parenting, I’m sure there wouldn’t be any issues.”

Smith’s remarks here really helped me understand the supposed “slaying” of 12-year-old Tamir Rice, who was shot to death in under 30 seconds by officers after brandishing a toy gun. Clearly, Rice’s parents should have raised him to hold a deep-rooted fear of these officers and never act like a typical child in public.

“Furthermore,” Smith continued, “the whole idea of sexism really irks me. My male supervisors and I look around our office, and our female receptionists are easily some of the most beloved employees. A woman was even promoted to one of the least important vice president positions recently! The only ‘glass ceiling’ is the one in their minds.”

Once again, I felt the truth of Smith’s words shatter my foolish preconceived notions. Of course women have attained full equality. Forget the fact that statistics consistently show that the average salaries of women are lower than those of men in the same roles across industries. Those women obviously just lack the willpower to demand the same payment as their male coworkers. Sure, they will be called ‘bitches’ for doing so, but that’s just the price of fighting to be paid the same amount as those born into the historically dominant gender.

Altogether, I am immensely grateful to Smith for this revelation. Knowing that America is unequivocally the land of the free and the home of the brave, I rest easy at night. It is so refreshing to be certain that the fights for “civil rights” and “gender equality” are behind us. Now we can focus on the real work of American Exceptionalism: utilizing our unmatched airpower to drop the fiery seeds of freedom across the Middle East.

Sarcastically Yours,

Papa Jon

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