Microsoft Recruits Gamers to Work in Cobalt Mines

The Children Love the Mines

We have all at least heard of the game Minecraft at some point in our lives. My personal favorite Minecraft content is watching block parkour on TikTok while a robot voice explains the plot of American Psycho to me!

This game about being isolated and existentially alone in a world while fighting for your life against horrid creatures made of digital blocks shaped my childhood in so many ways. It continues to shape the hearts and minds of today’s generation of kids and is a loveable game enjoyed by millions.

Despite its multi-generational player base, the game’s core audience has always been children, and I believe that Minecraft’s current owner, tech company Microsoft, has been seriously overlooking the massive profit they could be turning from these iPad kids in developed countries.

No, I’m not talking about the Minecraft honeybee plushies they sell in Target, I’m talking about giving kids an authentic Minecraft experience in the cobalt mines of the Republic of Congo!

Have you ever wondered where the materials that make your electronics come from? Most of it, cobalt specifically, comes from mines in underdeveloped countries that utilize child labor. If that concerns you, don’t worry! Just refrain from researching it and it won’t make you sad like we do when we place our hundredth SHEIN order! Out of sight, out of mind!

Large tech companies like Microsoft have already used that same strategy to stop consumers from feeling bad about buying yet another tablet for their kids to play Minecraft on. But the kids love Minecraft, a game based around mining for resources for hours at a time, don’t they? So, why shouldn’t Microsoft take advantage of that to keep its profits soaring?

Profits at any cost of ethics, humanity, and quality of life for the less fortunate are the soul of all corporations. Microsoft needs to take advantage of the millions of children who they have helped to train in strip mining and mineral identification to revolutionize their business!

Think of it like summer camp, only instead of celebrating colonialism by making a cheap dreamcatcher, you’re living out the soul-crushing realities of the greed of developed capitalist countries!

The average kid who plays Minecraft is already used to spending multiple hours alone in the dark with no interaction with other human beings, so why not allow them to interact with fellow players while working to repay Microsoft for their childhood joy?

These kids could experience the mining experience in all its glory. Waking up at the crack of dawn only to once again descend into the darkness of the dying earth, working countless hours in conditions that would warm Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ heart.

Yes, there’s the possibility of losing a limb or two in the mining equipment that has no maintenance or OSHA regulating, but losing an arm to serve a corporation builds character better than getting your ass handed to you by a baby zombie. A day in the mines wouldn’t be complete if you don’t watch a fellow child die from hazardous conditions, exhaustion, lack of medical care, or a cocktail of all three!

Afterward, the children will go home to their families that forced them to work in the mines, and barely sleep through the stress, pain, and PTSD before they get to wake up and do it again!

This is not abuse, it’s just business in the modern age, and all business practices are ethical if you can defend them to your consumer base by gaslighting them with convenience and entertainment, and is it too far if they’re already doing it? I think not!

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