Keeping Out of Trouble Without Compromising your Values

Holidays can be particularly strenuous for those of us with strained relationships with some of our family members. Put everyone together in the same room for the first time since at least Easter and add a dash of our current political situation (volatile, tense, generally just bad), and it’s the perfect environment for some nice, big, Thanksgiving-ruining fights. Now, I’m not saying to let everything slide. It’s important to call out your racist relatives and be the change you want to see in the world. However, there are ways to do it that will cause the least amount of stress and also carry a much better chance of effecting meaningful change.

It’s easy to let our emotions get ahold of us, but shouting at people will not only make our points sound less valid, but it will also lessen our chances of actually changing anyone’s mind. You can’t expect to turn your relatives from far-right conservatives into socialists over Thanksgiving break. It’s not possible, and trying to do so will actually only make things worse. 

When people feel attacked, they get defensive and closed off. No one is going to listen to you if you start with an attack or an insult. It raises people’s guard, and where you might not even disagree as much as you think, it just widens the gulf.

So try not to present things as “well, this is what my side says and your side is wrong.” Honestly, if you can keep partisan labels completely out of it, that would be best. For example, I have relatives who use the r-slur as part of their daily vocabulary. They’re a lot older and a lot less online than me and, to them, that word isn’t a slur. It’s just a synonym for “stupid,” and they have no idea of its problematic nature.

But if I say “Oh my god, what is wrong with you? How could you say that?”all I’ve communicated is that I don’t like what they’re doing, for seemingly no reason, and I’m coming at them from a place of anger when, in their eyes, they were just minding their own business.

On the other hand, if I say, “Hey, could you not use that word? It’s actually a really derogatory term for people with intellectual disabilities, like myself, and hearing people use it as an insult makes me really uncomfortable.” Like any therapist will tell you, using “I” statements is the first step to managing conflict well. It makes me feel uncomfortable vs. it makes you a bad person are two totally different statements, and only one of them feels like an attack.

It’s also important to take into account where people are coming from. My 67 year-old relative didn’t mean that word as a slur, and I need to remember that. Rather than treating people like villains for making mistakes, or having less information than I do, I need to communicate that I’m not accusing them of anything, I’m just letting them know something they clearly didn’t before.

If I used a slur by accident, I would much rather have someone say, “Hey, can you not use that word? It’s actually really offensive,” than “I can’t believe you’re the kind of person who uses slurs.”  The current political climate and the way the internet works are both extremely reactionary. Social media’s focus is getting people mad to get clicks, not facilitating actual discussion. Don’t fall into that trap! It might feel good for about five seconds to yell at your relatives for an honest mistake, but when those five seconds are up you’ve only made things worse.

This is not to say, however, that there aren’t things that are just unacceptable. It’s good to set firm boundaries and stand by them. This can be something as severe as “I will not tolerate (x) word being said around me,” or something as  simple as “I am not going to discuss religion this Thanksgiving.” Respect is a two-way street. It’s important to be kind to people you disagree with, but it’s also important to stand up for yourself. You deserve to be treated respectfully, too.

There are hard lines that I refuse to have crossed by the people around me, and it’s also crucial that I stand up for those things if they come up. There’s a difference between an uninformed vocabulary and straight-up racism, for example. Some things are negotiable, and some aren’t. Picking your battles is important, and so is knowing which battles you are always going to pick. Still, though, you have to remember to take a second to cool off before calling someone out. I don’t know of any times a shouting match has ended in one party actually considering the other’s point of view. 

Finally, never underestimate the immortal words of someone on Twitter whose name I cannot remember: “If it sucks, hit da bricks.” It’s okay to not go to Thanksgiving if you know it’s just going to be you and a big group of people who don’t think you should have rights. It’s okay to walk away, and to say “I’m not talking about this.”

Keeping yourself safe is important, too, and you are perfectly within your rights to leave or avoid a hostile situation. Stay safe this holiday season, everyone. If you get along with your biological family I hope you get a chance to see them, and if not, I hope you get to see your chosen family.