Dear readers,
I bring you a story that is sure to send waves through each and every aspect of American life. Despite our noble, proud ability to argue anything unto the point of becoming meaningless, I have been informed that a process called the “scientific method” exists to promote objective fact-finding.
I don’t know about you, but I for one am terrified.
As I understand it, the fact that certain well-vetted theories digress from my personal beliefs does not actually invalidate those theories. The implications of this notion are troubling to many, and I did my due diligence to reach out and gather their concerns.
“This whole idea is an outrage,” declared one local science teacher. “It is an assault on academic freedom to suggest that the Theory of Evolution, and all its supporting evidence, deserves to be taught in lieu of Intelligent Design! I have every right as an educator to downplay legitimate scientific theory to better advance my own convictions.”
“I am deeply disturbed by this notion,” mentioned an anonymous politician at the federal level. “The idea that human’s impact on climate change can be objectively concluded as real, without any consideration for how this would disrupt current economic and recreational activity, strikes me as decidedly undemocratic.
“I think we should allow the American people to vote on the matter, and when the majority agree that we need to act we will ignore it like always.”
“This still doesn’t change my position on GMOs,” intoned one aging hippie. “It’s obvious to me, without a shred of research to support my claim, that they are dangerous. Science is just another way The Man seeks to control us, man.”
In order to maintain my usual level of journalistic integrity, I also tracked down a solitary four-eyed dweeb to get his side of the story.
“I really do not understand the issue here,” he nasally whined. “We haven’t changed our stance on this since science as we know it was developed. We use careful study, free from bias, to try and understand truths about the world around us. I will never understand why people get so upset, or try to shy away from that.”
After giving him a swirly and taking his lunch money, I took a few minutes to think about what the scientist had said. Perhaps I didn’t have the right to dictate what was true or not, and should be more open to the possibility that I could be wrong.
But then again, I wasn’t the one who ended up with my head in the toilet.
Sarcastically Yours,
The Papa Jon