How to Lose a Girl in One Sentence

Dating app horror stories

This Thanksgiving break a lot of my friends from high school ended up back in town and I got to see them for the first time in a while. Obviously, this meant we were going to indulge in one of the favorite pastimes of girls all across America: sitting on opposite ends of the couch and going through dating apps together. Tinder and Bumble were my poisons of choice, and I was immediately reminded why I deleted those apps in the first place.

This week, I am going to do the men of the F-M Area a great service and I’m going to tell you what exactly is wrong with your dating app profiles. There are exceptions, obviously, but these are some things that I keep seeing and keep making me scrunch up my face like Remy in that one part of Ratatouille where he smells the soup from the shelf and almost throws up. You know the one.

My friend Vivian after witnessing The Horrors

The first photo. Why is the first picture on your profile a group pic of five men who all look the same? I don’t know who you are. It’s like a guessing game where I try to figure out who thought they looked best in the picture and then scroll down to see if it’s actually you. Worse is when I scroll down and it’s another group picture. I’m not looking to play Russian Roulette here.

“6’1 if that matters.” WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR HEIGHT IN YOUR BIO WHEN THERE IS A TAB FOR THAT??? There’s a spot on both Tinder and Bumble where you can put your height, along with things like political alignment and star sign. Do not waste your precious bio space telling me something I can scroll down to see. Give me a fun fact, a historical event, and pickup line – anything but how tall you are.

What is “heyyyyy?” What is that? Why is that your opening line? If it were ever followed by another message it wouldn’t be so bad, but it never is. Always just “heyyyy.” If by some blessed chance we have matched, how are you going to immediately fumble the bag like that? There’s nowhere to go from “heyyyyy.” All it tells me is that you can type a greeting and have poor conversational skills. At least ask a question or provide somewhere for the conversation to go next.

Guys – I know your ex-girlfriend might have taken the best photos of you. But what’s awesome about photos is that you can take more at any time. If I see one more picture of you and a girl who is either messily blurred, scribbled, or cropped out, my only assumption is that she’s your ex. For the love of God, your phone has a camera. Just take a new picture instead of really obviously cropping your former partner out of relics of a past relationship.

The only wrap-up I have here is this. Men: do better. I beg of you. Although the really atrocious profiles are fodder for a good laugh, I would rather have a chance to interact with you as an actual human being instead of swiping left because I can’t tell which one of five possible guys you are.

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