People I think should be president

This article is satirical and fake. It is a part of our annual Rectum special April Fools edition.

I think it’s time we stopped and realized that the 2024 election is NOT going according to plan. At least for American citizens who want more options than what we got last time in 2020. At the very least, we could use a few new candidates.

You’re in luck! I have personally taken time to compile a list of people who should most definitely be running for office in November! A few fresh faces in Washington could be just what we need, and I am happy to throw out some names that would fit the bill! Remember to choose your candidate carefully before filling out your ballot. Hopefully, this list gives you some insight into the decision-making process.

1. Kid President. Remember that guy from way back in grade school? He’s already the president…of something. He has job experience, and we already know his face, so that qualifies him almost immediately! What was his real name again?
2. Alex Jones. The guy is clearly knowledgeable about politics and already has his own supporters. If we’re looking for a change from what we have now, this is definitely NOT Biden. Do with that information what you will.
3. Dave Ramsay. Maybe he would have a few ideas about the national debt. We certainly wouldn’t be putting so much government money on credit. 
4. Gordon Ramsey. Different Ramsey, same greatness quality. We might have an issue with censoring his presidential speeches, and his citizenship, but he would be drawing crowds for sure.
5. Taylor Swift. Ah, so lovely. We already have Taylor for President merch available, she has a strong and loud platform, some die-hard fans and supporters and the entire world should already know her name and face. Even though we need some changes in Washington, we might as well not go with an unknown! Imagine her being the first woman president! I get chills just thinking about it…
6. Kirby Puckett. Remember him? Talent, right from the Midwest! He’s used to the nerve-wracking expectations of being the best in front of thousands of people and has been on national television for years, quite regularly. So what if all of this happened a few decades ago? Dead? Who says he’s dead?
7. Britney Spears. After #FreeBritney, we have already seen the country rally behind her once. We can do it again!
8. Henry Winkler. A legend in his time, the coolest person to grace television, a celebrity status that spans five decades and also one of Hollywood’s most loved actors. Too cool for Washington, or is the Fonz from the 1970s TV sitcom Happy Days just what we need?
9. Mike Tyson. We need someone in the White House with some POWER! Physical counts. He’ll win his debates, probably using some new tactics and claim his seat in the Oval Office. Trust me. He also won’t have any problem throwing his weight around in support of his country when the chips are down.
10. Ryan Gosling. He HAS to be more than “just Ken” to Barbie in some way. Think of the performance we could see at the inauguration! He’s already been nominated for so many awards. He’s even won a few, so being president would just be the next step. Citizenship could be an issue here, too, but Canada is close enough to the United States, right?

There you have it! The top ten people who should be running for president in 2024. I think we can all agree that these would make some great candidates, and they would for sure put a different spin on the job description. Most of them already have a great base of supporters intact, which would give them a great chance at winning. Just remember you heard it here first!