A look-at Tinder ‘types’ will reveal all
Who says North Dakota doesn’t have a fantastic variety of eligible bachelors? Certainly not me. Go ahead and check the Tinder app if you need any further proof of the variety and quality of men and North Dakota and you’ll see.
Nobody needs Chris Harrison or “The Bachelor”—we’ve got the men that boys and girls dream of right here in good ole’ Fargo.
Many of us already know them, and if you don’t, go take a look, but there are several ‘types’ of Tinder men and I want to look at each of them and give them the full recognition they truly deserve.
Man with fish
A solid starting point: man with fish. Not an uncommon find. If men on Tinder were pokemon cards, the one holding a fish in his Tinder profile would be a Weedle, but they still have a certain charm.
Do I know what kind of fish you’re holding? Not really. What I do know is that the larger the fish, the smaller the man looks, so it takes a special kind of confidence to show off a fishing pic. If the fish is small, you’re showing you’re not very good at this skill you want to show off, and if the fish is huge, you look like a little kid with his first catch (just in terms of scale).
Either way, good on these guys for showing us toxic masculinity doesn’t have to be a thing. Not to mention that a picture with a fish makes people assume you’ll want to take them fishing, so you’re already thinning out your potential suitors from the get-go.
Man with fish is a man who is supremely assured of himself.
Man without shirt
Speaking of men with confidence, the man who doesn’t have his shirt on in any of his pictures is also an interesting pick. Typically, he usually does have something to show off, likes to use the word ‘gains’ a lot and calls food his ‘fuel.’
Really, dating him would probably up your gym game—not because he’d bring you to work-out that often, but he’s probably the guy who crowds the machine when you’re in the middle of a set, and now he sees you as his ‘boo’ and will give you space.
Bonus points if man without shirt also chastises women who reject him as being ‘sluts’ for showing too much skin online. As I said, the man has confidence.
Man with dog
We gotta love this one right? If every picture a guy has is with his dog the message he’s trying to send is that he’s an animal lover, even if the message often received is that his dog is his best personality trait.
Listen, we really do like this guy; although, more often than not he uses his dog as an excuse to invite the slightly unwilling into his home.
“Don’t you want to come meet Rosie?”
And because literally your only point of conversation all night was about his dog, you feel socially obligated to do so.
Man with at least five other similar-looking men
Now this man is sneaky, he wants to give the viewers on Tinder a little puzzle to solve before they swipe. He will have six photos and all of them will be group photos with other guys of similar heights, hair color and build. Yet, there’s always one guy in all those photos who’s a little less conventionally attractive, and I bet you can guess which one this man is.
No shame to this guy for finding a group of relatively attractive friends to fade into: he’s a planner.
Man with no face
Well of course he does have a face, but he’s not going to let you see it. We’re only getting photos going from the neck to pants pulled just above the NC-17 rating.
He definitely does not have a girlfriend. And he definitely is not just on Tinder to hook up.
If you’re a fan of the hit television show “Catfish,” this would be a great time for a real-life episode.
Man with dead animal
Now, this man is different from man with fish, because it takes a certain boldness to make a bloody photo of Bambi’s mom your Tinder profile picture.
This man is an enigma. Despite his comfort with posting his bloody escapades for all to see, he’s also probably the same man who loses his lunch when he hears a girl say the word “tampon.” He’ll turn down period sex, but take off to go slice the throats of a couple of wild turkeys all in the same afternoon.
What a guy.
Man with highschool sports photos
Here, we do see some variety. There is a big difference between a 19-year-old on Tinder showing pictures from last year and a 26-year-old showing off pictures from nearly a decade ago.
Also, an important difference is the type and quantity of high school sports photos. The man who only posts sweaty post-game shots for every photo and the one who has a single mid-action pic at the end of his photos are two very different people.
One thing these men all have in common is a passion for the good ole’ days. They probably go visit their old teachers whenever they’re in town, they compare their stats with high school freshmen who don’t know they exist, you know? Let’s have healthy acceptance going on here.
All North Dakota men on Tinder: truly a blessing to behold
If you were to go outside of Fargo to say, Minneapolis, and go on Tinder, what would you find? More variety of men? Yes. More attractive men? Probably. Men with interests beyond fantasy football and arguing whether Bud Light or Pabst is better? Sure.
But why would you want all that when you could have a corn-fed North Dakotan who will struggle expressing emotions productively? I sure wouldn’t.