Recently, the Minard Coffee Shop claimed it kept sleepy students from being squashed under buses by giving them coffee, implying that if the coffee wasn’t provided, students would be squashed all over campus.

As a bus, I greatly resent this slander.

You see, I have given years of faithful, dependable service and I have not squashed a single student. I pride myself on my not-squashing-student-skills.

Students not being reduced to grease marks in the road has very little to do with their alertness and caffeine levels, contrary to the aforementioned claims. It has everything to do with me paying attention.

For being intelligent university students, it’s funny that so many of them have such low levels of self-preservation. They will break off from the horde (Herd?) at a moment’s notice and charge across the road, refusing to look in either direction.

Sometimes I need to come to a quick halt. At other times, I honk at them, just to watch them jump. Regardless, I never squash them. Very bad for business, that.

When I’m chilling at the local pump, cars sometimes tell me stories of pheasants with a death wish — they will juke left, juke right and then dash straight under your tire. Thankfully, students aren’t that bad. Some of them are close, though.

There is some validity in pointing out the sleepiness of students — some of them are barely awake as they drag themselves across the road. But I don’t mercilessly run them down, goodness, no.

Instead, I pick them up and carry them faithfully to their destinations. Occasionally, an extra-sleepy student will stay past their stop, and take a nap instead of going to class. You see, coffee shop? I care for the students too.

The napping is OK in my eyes, as long as the sleeping student isn’t a drooler. There is nothing worse than drool on one of my seats. I hate droolers.

But I digress. The point, dear students, is that I am not out to get you. In fact, I am on your side. I will get you to class with the least amount of effort.

Unless you’re a drooler, in which case you should check out one of those chairs above the Minard Coffee Shop.