A reflection on the embodied exam experience
One thing I’ve always appreciated about the English major is how few timed quizzes, exams and writing assignments were required in my classes. I’d rather spend weeks working on a portfolio or article-length essay than do any timed assignment worth a good portion of my grade. I was recently reminded of why I hate timed tests so much when I took the first portion of my PhD comprehensive exam.
In our department, before writing your dissertation project, you must pass comprehensive exams that consist of 3 timed essays on topics of your choosing supported by at least 40% of a selected bibliography of sources on the topic. Afterwards, you complete an oral exam to elaborate on your essays. This process takes around 3 weeks. Obviously, this is a stressful time during one’s graduate program even if neurodivergence isn’t a factor. For me, this was quite overwhelming. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and recurring depressive episodes. Testing as an embodied practice is difficult for me because of these mental conditions.
To prepare for the exam, I read and took extensive notes on my 31 bibliography sources for my first topic. Notes included main arguments, theses, types of research performed, results of research, and prominent theories of the field. After my committee decided my possible exam questions for the essays, I created an outline of what quotes and summaries from each source could be used to support each point I planned to make and worked on a hand-written thinking map to help brainstorm how I would organize each essay. After I felt like I could do nothing more before the exam, I rested.
A few minutes before my exam, I started up my laptop, took out my notes and thinking map and opened a new word doc. Unfortunately for me, Mendeley wasn’t working, so I would have to do all my in-text citations and bibliography page by hand, which took me extra time. That’s when I got the 7 o’clock email giving me my essay prompt.
I started by quickly reviewing my notes to organize the essay into sections and began writing paragraphs for each section. Every few minutes, I’d look at the timer and know I would not have time to say everything I wanted to say. I wondered if my committee would pass me if I didn’t say all my arguments.
7:30 quickly became 9:30 and I had only written 3 single-spaced pages. I debated my next step: review what I wrote and revise, or try to complete another paragraph to support my argument. I chose the second, hoping that more support was more important. 9:59 approached, and broken-hearted that I couldn’t say everything I wanted to say, I submitted what I had to my committee. I sat in front of my laptop in disbelief. I thought I had done all the things to prepare, but it still wasn’t enough. I doubted I would pass this portion of my exam.
Disappointed in myself, I emailed my CADR advisor to see if I could get more time or more accommodations for the next portion. I’m guilty of often not reaching out to the CADR until after I’ve noticed I need help to perform as close to normal as possible. Asking for extra time to complete an exam is something I haven’t had to do since Covid because most of my exams were online and had no time limit. I thought I’d be fine, but as each minute ticked away and my writing felt less and less substantial, I felt less and less competent. If I couldn’t pass this exam, I couldn’t be the PhD supercrip I aimed to be, let alone normal.
Next, I emailed my thesis advisor to set up an appointment to discuss my exam results and next steps. Luckily, the feedback seems doable with my now extended time to take the next portion of my exam. It centered around having a strong thesis and supporting the thesis with each paragraph and citing sources more specifically than generally. With extra time, I could do that. On my first exam I did not get a chance to write an introduction or conclusion paragraph, since I normally do those last in my writing process. Next time will be different.
Lastly, my partner treated me to some ice cream and I called a friend in another PhD program to vent and brainstorm back up plans. It helps having friends who can build you up and give you advice. I’m very grateful for mine.
Overall, I’ve learned that preparation and confidence will only get you so far when your disability impacts the experience. The high stakes stress compounds with other mental illnesses to immobilize you. Exams often test you in more ways than just knowledge; they test your perseverance, time management, decision making and creativity. That’s a lot, especially for neurodivergent students. Still, find time to relax after exams and be proud of how far you’ve come. The revision plan will come afterwards anyway.