Coming soon to a late night commercial near you: the Dyson Dishwasher. Here at Dyson, we have a singular goal: minimalist designs that maximize profits. Our vacuums have balls; our fans work bladeless and our hand dryers are worthless. Today, we bring our best and brightest, newest, lightest, stupify-est, most expensive, cost-effective, intuitive innovation of this century and, may I be so bold, the next century as well. I bring to you: the Dyson Dishwasher.

Now, just what sets us apart from every other dishwasher? Well first off, the box is out of date. Unless your home is a UPS or sells fried chicken, you should not be dealing in boxes. So two-thousand-late-teen. These days the spheres are where it’s at. One big ball of a washer to glide like a beautiful bald eagle into that hole in your counter that used to completely cover the dead bugs and dust.

Next, we asked ourselves, “What does every other dishwasher find to be the most effective means of doing its job?”

The answer was simple: water. Therefore, the Dyson Dishwasher™ will function without any water whatsoever. Instead, we shall implement our air multiplier technology, which channels air into an insulated motor cage and out around the edges of the sphere until pressure builds and dissipates the air through a steady and quiet stream that kind of blows the crumbs around. A Purell bottle attached to a window motor will then give your plates a healthy spritz.

All leaps forward require one foot rooted in the past. Only once we embrace change may we take that second step. In this case, we hear your pleas. “It’s pretty weak,” “My mouth tastes like rubbing alcohol and shampoo” and “You don’t work here please leave.”

Well, I implore you to leave behind whatever you think technology means. We at Dyson use revolutionary synergistic solutions that will rocket all of those who think everyday items are too mundane, yet not mundane enough, into the 21st century. A bridge between old and new that safely passes over common sense.

And most important of all: don’t forget to shell out the extra five hundred bucks.