Dear Slow Walkers,

I really hope one day you understand why you are the absolute worst kind of person. Do you really not realize that there are people uncomfortably close to you trying to send the message that, yes, you do need to speed up? How do you live a productive life while meandering through your day at snail’s pace?

Maybe there is something I’m missing. Is there a special sense clarity and accomplishment that comes along with ruining everyone else’s day?

How is it that you take up the whole pathway even though you may be the tiniest of human beings? I understand that everyone needs their space, but when you are fumbling through life, staring at your shuffling feet, the rest of us have places to be. When you are ballooning out and taking up the space of what can normally be occupied by four other humans, we cannot reach those places in a timely manner.

Seriously, you’re the worst. If you are walking on any path designated for self-transportation, hustle up.

You’re on a campus sidewalk? Hut two. I stopped my car in order for you to cross the street? Knees to chest, buddy. You are on a moving walkway in an airport? DO NOT just stand in the middle. The airport escalator? Scoot to one side please. Anywhere in an airport, haul ass or I plow you over. Getting on or off the metro? If I get stuck on this platform one more time I will lose my shit, so don’t be the cause of that scene and move in a way that you may consider sprinting.

Seriously, you are the single most irritating part of my day. Learn how to walk at a normal pace. Don’t speed up and then slow down. Don’t stop in the middle of a path in order to get one last glance at what is probably something you see every day.

I’m sorry if you think I’m annoying as I heave out a sigh in order to get your attention so that your legs might move a little faster, but personally I would rather not have to leave 20 minutes early in order to compensate for your apparent lack of the concept of tardiness as you sloth your way through life. Quit your lollygagging and get a move on. Not all of us have all the time in the world to try and plan the best way to scurry around your insufferable species.

Ever so sincerely,

Someone Who Has Somewhere to Be