Thanksgiving is a holiday that has only one rule: eat until you are no longer thankful.

While other holidays may celebrate the birth of a nation, religious figure or person of historic significance, Thanksgiving is less about what comes from humans and more about what goes in them. That is why I have crafted a Thanksgiving manual that will hopefully let you anticipate and capitalize on the five stages of Thanksgiving.

Stage One

Football is an optional stage, but it’s a time-honored tradition in many households. If you’re a Minnesotan, it sets up dinner perfectly. Nothing like watching the Vikings lose to encourage eating away the pain.

Stage Two

Eating. Not an option. No limits. Eat. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, the whole nine yards. Now is the time to feel like a king.

Stage Three

Regret eating.

Now is the time to feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun and crashing hard. You should not feel good about yourself by now. If you do, you are still in the “eating” phase and should continue stuffing your face.

If you have achieved this phase, self-loathing and all, it is a sobering moment. You start to think about changing your eating habits to balance out this meal.

Hell, why don’t you just tone down the eating altogether? You don’t need to eat once you are not hungry and yet you always eat until you can’t take one more bite. Ya, this is a good thing. This change.

Stage Four

Eat some more. Ya know, for good measure.

Stage Five

Hit the streets. While this used to belong to the most avid Black Friday shoppers, stores opening on Thanksgiving have changed the game.

Trade your turkey leg for a tire iron and head to your nearest electronics store. If a tire iron is not available, anything you can slide down your pant leg and cover with your shirt will do. For these deals, what’s a few teeth? People donate blood all the time.

The next day belongs to you. You can spend time with your family, nurse your wounds and eat leftovers. Thanksgiving belongs to the five stages. It’s an experience, an emotional roller coaster. Just be thankful you weren’t on the business end of the tire iron and you can watch Christmas commercials (that didn’t miss a beat, Christmas season starts the day after Thanksgiving) on your new 72″ TV with minimal bite marks.