Teabagging Fargo

As flood waters take Fargo by storm, other flood gates are still struggling to open

CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM

As the sperm count of Fargo men continue to plummet, Fargo mayor John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt asks for volunteers to teabag men in an effort to raise sperm counts and increase Fargo’s Midwestern population and reputation.

“There is evidence that participating in teabagging can increase sperm count and the power of each sperm to swim to the egg faster,” the mayor said in a press conference.

In essence, the mayor was browsing the local meninism sites and meninism Reddit threads and found one blogger who claimed that he successfully impregnated his girlfriend after she agreed to teabag every day for several weeks.

The user, BigDaddy6969, wrote: “After years of trying to get pregnant, and years of her refusing to put my balls in her mouth, I finally told her it was our last option when it came to natural conception. After about 12 weeks of teabagging, we’ve successfully conceived.”

After trying it himself, Mayor Schmidt is happy to announce that him and his wife, age 46, have also successfully conceived. “And it feels great,” the mayor said.

Despite the mayor and his wife already having three fully-grown children already, they seem to be excited to take on the challenge of a newborn, stating: “We’ve already called our old nanny. Unfortunately, she passed a few years ago, but her younger sister is only in her late 70s and seems ready for the job.”

Other couples have reported success in conceiving after the teabagging method. However, there’s only one problem — all these women hate doing it.

One woman reported excess “ball sweat,” while another cited the “refusal to shower” as reasons for avoiding putting their significant other’s balls in their mouth.

Other reasons significant others gave for not teabagging their partner was “excessively saggy balls” and “very hairy balls.”

This, combined with the “dwindling Fargo population,” as identified by the mayor, has led to the mayor looking for volunteers to teabag men in an effort to increase sperm count in an effort to increase the Fargo population.

“The impending flood gives us an incredible opportunity to bring teabaggers and teabaggees together in one centralized location. If you plan on sandbagging, I would highly recommend you also volunteer to teabag,” the mayor said. He also said there would be specialized rooms for the teabagging process.

Though there is no scientific backing for this process as a means of heightening rates of conception, men still seem excited about it. One Sanford doctor, Dr. Knackers, said, “There is no correlation between sperm count or strength and putting them in your mouth or anybody else’s.”

The mayor has made his own decision stating, “Anything that feels this good and can get my 46-year-old wife pregnant has to work, otherwise we’ve been having protected sex for the past six years for fear of nothing.”

Mayor Schmidt later confirmed that he and his wife stopped using all modes of contraception when they began testing the teabagging hypothesis. “We thought it would impede our results,” Mrs. Schmidt said.

All parties interested in volunteering to teabag can call 1-800-1-832224, 1-800-1(TEABAG) for more information or to sign up to volunteer.

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