This advice is brought to you by me, a tweed-wearing expert from a grime-choked bar. My areas of expertise include stale peanuts, spilt beer, bow ties and tweed, among other things.

It may be just over five weeks away, but finals week is already rearing its ugly head, threatening those grades you have desperately been clinging to for the entire semester. It’s time to start preparing.

They say war is hell. Well, they haven’t been through finals. But luckily for you, this isn’t my first rodeo. So if you want to make it through, kid, listen up:

Sleep is for the weak. The only true masters of finals week make it through on nothing but spit and vinegar with a generous dose of coffee. To call finals week a success, you must be completely and utterly fried by the end of it. You’ll be a gibbering mess, and you’ll never be the same again, but you’ll make it through.

Invest in a camelbak. Coffee is the key to your success, but the people with their stainless steel travel mugs or to-go cups from Starbucks are doing it wrong. With your camelbak full of coffee, your hands will be free for any test taking activities, while your energy supply remains readily accessible. I would suggest cocaine, but coffee has higher public approval ratings and is easier to get a hold of.

Start smoking. After your third day with no sleep and enough coffee to keep you running, you will start to develop a tremor. This can be counteracted by smoking between exams. Learn to hold multiple cigarettes in your mouth at once; this will facilitate the smoking process. If you start now, you can build up to multiple packs per day by finals week.

Only study the night before the exam. Your brain is fragile and can’t hold information for very long. Don’t ask too much of it by studying far in advance; the information will only weigh you down. Remember: what you can’t put off until tomorrow, put off until next week.

Some people take a different approach than my tried and true method. “Prepare in advance,” they say. “The library is open all year, not just during finals week,” they say. “Get plenty of sleep.” “Eat a good breakfast.”

I’m here to say it’s all a load of bunk. If you want to be a namby-pamby about it, you could take their advice.

But if you want to attain the bad-assery levels of a grizzled veteran like me, your only option is to take my advice. It’s seen me through many an exam. It’ll do the same for you.

Barkeep!

I’ll have another glass of soymilk, please.